so my boyfriend is telling me I should talk to a counselor because I'm still having problems with intimacy, specifically I'm afraid to kiss him, it's been causing me a lot of stress and guilt (it's been an issue since March) and I haven't made a lot of progress, and because my self-harm urges are getting worse and I've started having suicidal thoughts (I don't actually want to kill myself, my brain just goes there as an escape). the problem is I had a really bad experience with a counselor like 5 years ago when I was in high school and the idea of seeing one now causes me a LOT of anxiety. I feel awful because I know I need to do this to not jeopardize our relationship (my best friend/roommate has needed to talk to a counselor or therapist for years for her mental health problems but she's only ever talked to me, and even though I've made it clear that our friendship won't be healthy for me until she gets help, she hasn't done it, and it's really hurt our friendship, and the irony here is not lost on me). but it causes me so much mental pain and I can't explain to him how or why this hurts so much which is so frustrating. so now I need to call the helpline number through my college and see if I can schedule a meeting with a counselor, thinking about it makes me want to cut more. so he and I have been working through this stuff, and it's really been not fun and I just wish everything would stop

Aw man that sucks tiegan, but I'm sure you'll find the help you need! I had a bad bad counselor once and was scared to find another but I don't regret finding a new one. It is hard though, but it'll do you some good. I hope you feel better 💚