y’all I fr don’t know how to explain all of this but I’m going to try my hardest. I just had the craziest and most awful week. First off, I’m still grounded and probably will be for even longer. Now, on Thursday at band practice this bì tć h senior flute made me look like a dúm b ãš s in front of everyone and it was super embarrassing and hurtful and I went home and cried about it and I think I’m going to message her and talk to her about it bc I’m trying to not be a pushover around her. So basically at marching practice we were learning a new set (new move on the field) and we maybe hadn’t even practiced it but two times in a row. I am the front of my line, and there’s like seven people behind me. I am two steps inside of a yard line. If you are in a vertical line, you have to line up with the person directly in front of you. Even if the person in the front is wrong, you still line up with them because if you don’t then you’ll look wrong. So even if I went three steps instead of two they would all have to line up behind me. So, we had barely even done this move but like TWO TIMES and our band Director hadn’t even called relax or standby yet (which means put your horns down and face front and don’t say anything until it’s time to practice something else or check and adjust and move until you’re in the right spot). So this girl is in my line behind me, remember mr. Grass hadn’t called standby yet, and she comes up to me in the front and says “you’re not at two steps you need to move” in the most DEMEANING tone ever and I looked at her and asked “what?” And she said “you’re not getting in the right spot. Move” and I looked at her and said “I just got here I didn’t even check and adjust myself yet?” Also remember MY HORN WAS STILL UP I DIDNT HAVE TIME TO CHECK MYSELF. so she scoffed and walked away. I checked myself. I. WAS. AT. TWO. STEPS???? and everyone around us heard and they were mainly non leaders so it looked like she was yelling at me like I did something bad and I didn’t??? She’s the one who preaches thE MOST to our freshman “now remember if you’re in a line, even if the person in front is wrong you have to cover to them” SO WHY DID SHE SAY THAT TO ME? So hopefully I’ll gather up the courage to message her. NOW. second story. So one of our drum majors (senior who conducts us on the field) is in my music theory class. Actually she’s leaving the class on Monday thank the lord after you hear this story. So on Friday in music theory, I was talking to one of the trumpets about how I have to be on the same band bus as Emma, otherwise they wouldn’t know who to put my dad with since he’s a chaperone. So it’s easier if we’re on the same bus. Keep in mind I was never yelling or aggravated or annoyed and the word “anxiety” never entered the conversation. Just having a normal conversation with this guy. And I noticed that senna (drum major) was listening so I made eye contact w her a few times to acknowledge her and let her in on the convo a little bit. So later in band class she goes up to EMMA while we’re takinG A QUIZ and goes “hey so I overheard amber earlier complaining about how you guys have to be on the same bus and she was really annoyed. I mean I get it since she has anxiety and all but, if I were you and that was my sister I would have cut her out of my life a long time ago. Kudos to you for putting up with her.” WHAT. THE. F ÙČ K????? Emma awkwardly laughed and got back to her quiz bc it hadn’t hit her yet and the she realized that was super weird and rude of her. WHY DID SHe say that to my SISTER AND NOT EXPECT HER TO SAY SOMETHING TO ME. did she just assume that Emma hates me???? Why did she lie about me??? Now I’m scared bc idk what else she’s told anyone about me that isn’t true?? I’m fr going to drop out if anything else happens. I’ve got to deal w that flute girl, and now senna, and I already hate band bc I literally have no fú č kì ng friends and I’m miserable. Guys I literally haven’t hated myself and my life this bad since May. I don’t know what to do I just want to d îė. I know that sounds dramatic but I’m also stressed about my future w musical theatre bc now it looks like I might just have to major in vocal performance and do community theatre and try to audition for my colleges shows if they let me since I wouldn’t be a theatre major anymore??? I’m going to ask my theatre teacher tomorrow about it. OH ALSO so I messaged senna to ask her what lunch she has tomorrow and she didn’t respond but she left me on READ. I didn’t tell her emma and I were going to talk to her I just said what lunch do you have tomorrow. I’ve just really hit rock bottom. Also my mom has been screaming at emma and I pretty badly lately I haven’t got the chance to tell you guys that yet either. The only good news I have is that I applied for the restaurant Emma works at but she works in the back and I applied for cash register. They desperately need people so I think I’m guaranteed the job. AGH idk what to do I’m so dēprë šś ed. Also we had a fire drill during band class on Friday and I went outside and was surrounded by everyone from class yet I was completely alone and I have cried every night since about that. This year I’ve really realized I truly have no real friends in band. There’s one girl I’ve grown close to who’s a flute too but I texted her about the senna thing and she thinks my sister is lying about it???? Like it’s gotten to the point where I would rather just walk off campus than go to class or actually hide in the bathrooms bc I have no one.

:( I hope that you do find the courage to talk to her, it’s always helped me to stand up for myself whether or not anything changes because I feel accomplished and it helps me convince myself that everything is okay and will get better sometimes. I hated having awful people in my classes and being friends with toxic people really ruined high school for me but I’m out of it and I’m slowly healing. please do talk to her if you can, I think it might make you feel better and stronger if you take some control of the situation because as I’ve said to tristin sometimes, some things he says as a half joke hurt me and I’ll remember forever when he’ll forget in a day so I have to tell him “hey that’s not okay”. I’m so excited for when you can get out of the hèll holeeeee