Here I am again... sending messages to a ghost...

God, I'm probably an idiot..

But I miss you.....

Always...

It physically hurts I miss you so much... I miss the way you made me feel....

I told you about Ivory... remember? Well... now there's another girl named Hannah.... And I hate to admit it, but I'm starting to hate her.... I know I always said never hate people, but Ivory loves her like crazy and I'm just jealous, you know?

What hurts the worst though is that I told her how much it was hurting me.... And she's just becoming more and more distant and I'm crying every day and having panic attacks because I'm losing my best friend all over again except this time it's in slow motion...

And Ivory.... God, Hannah makes her so happy... So I should be happy for her right..? I mean, Ivory found her SM. I just had hoped it would be me... But Jesus, Sam... It's so much more painful than I had thought... And I'm so alone... So very alone...

It's no wonder she picked Hannah over me though... I mean sure, we've got a past... I thought we had something special, but it's always Hannah that cheers her up. It's always Hannah that understands her. It's Hannah that role plays with her and acts silly with her and makes her laugh... In the end... Ivory was always the one who saved me.... And I don't want to lose her... God, I don't want to, but it's hurting me the way she treats me now...

And in ranting, because I suppose no one will ever read this, it isn't fair. I'm the one who wrote her stories. I'm the one who always said I missed her. I'm the one who always responded immediately. I'm the one who always comforted her when she was sad. I'm the one who gave her advice. Not Hannah. Me. It was me. So why do I get this???

I do SO MUCH FOR PEOPLE. So why... tell me why for the love of god... Why am I stuck here alone... Again...

Unless I don't do anything for people and they're all right... I'm just a suicidal attention seeker...

I was going to say I take everything back I said today... But I had to be an idiot and look at her conversation...

She told Hannah she was the reason she hadn't done it...

She pretty much told me I was the reason...

What the hèll am I doing wrong..?

I miss you... 😞💔

I can't do this...

I had this nightmare last night... It was the most vivid I've ever had... It was terrifying...

Ivory... She hung herself... And I was watching... I begged her not to do it, but she kicked the chair and I could hear every breath and how much it hurt her to breathe... And her eyes... Oh god, her eyes were accusing... Pained... Hate-filled... She hated me... I could see it in her eyes... And then I thought I woke up, and she was standing by my bedside... Dead eyes... bruise around her neck... And she reached out to me... Her hands... And they were dripping blood... And the cuts down her arm opened and there was blood everywhere... And she was trying to choke me... I could see it in her eyes... She hated me... I woke up screaming... No one cared, of course, but it was so vivid....

I think I've figured out what I want from her. I want to be the one she needs. I don't care how many people she wants, I want to be the only one she needs.

It's funny... there are plenty of people who care about me...

Everyone tries to talk me out of suicide except for the only one I want to talk me out of it.

Maybe tonight I'll join you Sam.

Maybe in the morning I'll be in hèll.

Ivory and I are turning into strangers with memories. God, it hurts.

I fxcking hate myself.

I want you back. I want you back. I want to go back and change my answer, I want you here.

Take me back..

Just take me back to you...

I fxcked up my legs again.

I want you..

I'm not okay

It hurts....

I can't make her understand... I love her (platonically) too much to stay... I love her and she loves Hannah... And neither of them understand why I can't accept that she loves us both.

I want her to love me like I love her...

But she loves Hannah like I love her...

And watching that...

Watching that kills me...

I can't tell her what I've done... My belief system...

If I wanted to go to heaven, I have to trust god completely...

Trusting him meant leaving her...

I chose her over Heaven.

I chose her over a better life.

I chose her and she chose Hannah

I'm tearing myself apart trying to protect her and she has no idea.

She doesn't realize how much it hurt when she told Hannah she was "the only reason"

I've done everything for her...

I gave her everything I was and it still wasn't enough

If I told her any of this it would either ruin or save everything. I'm going with ruin.

Or maybe it would stay the same.

To be completely honest, that would hurt more than ruining everything...

It hurts... It hurts so badly... I'm panicking again... She wants me to tell her... I've already said too much...

She's everything to me...

My life is one huge mistake.

I'm so lonely, SM...

I thought I could be honest with Ivory but I was wrong... I let down all my walls and I almost lost her. I can't do that again. I can't do this. I have to get out of here. She doesn't need me, you know. She likes to think she does and I like to think she does but the truth is that no one needs me.

No one needs me and it hurts.

It hurts because I try to be what everyone needs and in the end no one needs me. My fxcking mentor decided to walk away.

No one needs me. I should just die now. If I stopped answering, no one would care. Ivory wouldn't miss me. Sam wouldn't notice I was gone. Firestar wouldn't realize until months later. My rl "bestie" just stopped wanting to hang out with me. My own cat hates me.

I'm so very alone...

I'm broken and I can't fix myself.

I fxcking hate myself.

I don't even have the courage to take those pills

I want to die

I'm lonely and alone and I want to die.

I'm in love with a youtuber I'll never even be able to be friends with. I thought I was a good writer until Hannah came along.

I'm a broken mess. None of my "friends" care.

I always say I don't need anyone

Really I need everyone desperately and no one needs me.

...I want to die

I can't do it, Sam. Whichever way I take will destroy me.

I- I'm sorry... I know you wanted me to be happy... But I'm out of luck and out of fight... I'm going to push everyone away again...

I'm sorry, SM... I failed...

Im going to die

I don't want to die

God, I don't want to die

Help

Help me

Sam

Please

Save me one last time

I did it.

No more feeling.

No more sadness.

No more sorrow.

There's only one person who could save me now, but it doesn't matter. It's never going to happen. I'll live this way until I end my life.

Do you know how painful this is?

I wanted to block it all out because she didn't love me anymore. And yet still, she's the only one who can get through to me.

I miss you

I want to die again.

I needed you.

I FXCKING NEEDED YOU

YOU KNEW I NEEDED YOU, YOU KNEW I COULDNT DO THIS

Did you really hate me that much?

Why

Just tell me why..

She doesn't believe me

I really don't make a difference do I..?

I could die...

And everything would be exactly the same....

I'm

I'm really nothing...

Stop it

Stop this

Just stop being dead

Stop...

Please...

Please...

Look at that

I'm alone again.

Ivory's back to loving Hannah the most, you're still dead, Liam's long gone, Gina won't talk to me anymore, if I don't answer for two seconds Hannah thinks I hate her....

I'm done having friends.

I can't do this anymore...

I can't be the strong one, but I have to. I have to because no one else will.

They think it's funny, don't they? The way I'm tearing my soul apart trying to keep them together. They think it's funny. They think I'm funny.

Am I?

A girl trying so hard to be a hero.

Ivory pitied me. This whole time, I felt amazing because if I could save no one else, I saved my Argetlam. And then...

"I never believed you."

One phrase to start the downfall all over again.

That wasn't what caused it though, I thought I would just start over.

And then Hannah had to go and compare me to you.

It's not like that's not what I've always wanted

I've always wanted to be just like you.

But not like that.

Not the way you left.

And then the moment when it all came crashing down again?

"I'm sorry I'm not what you wanted."

I miss my best friend... I miss my best friend...

I keep telling myself that maybe you aren't dead... Maybe you just wanted to get away from me...

Maybe you made a different account and you have a different best friend and you're happy living

Who am I kidding... I seen the funeral arrangements myself...

I'm sorry...

I'm sorry

I'm so sorry

I-

I'm sorry...

I hate myself.

I haven't done anything good

I'm too tired to stand anymore

I want to die now.

The pills are in front of me.

I want to be brave enough...

God, let me be brave enough..

I want to run now

But I can't

Help

Sam

I'm sorry

I'm sorry

I- I'm so so sorry

What do I do

What the hxll am I supposed to do

I can't do this

We're back down to 163 messages..

I deleted my account earlier

I panicked

I fxcked up

Ivory doesn't deserve me

She deserves so much better

I'm not

I'm not worth love

Hannah was right, I'm far too jealous for anyone

Ivory would be happier with her

I'm not jealous right now

I'm just sad

That I can't stop

Every time Hannah comes back it's just...

I lose it again

I'm not this jealous about anyone else

I'm fine with Samantha

I'm fine with Sydnee

I'm fine with everyone else

I don't understand why I can't stand her

Because I love her

I love her to death, but her and Ivory...

She makes Ivory happy

And I never want Ivory to feel like she can't talk to me

And yet that's all I seem to do

Stupidstupidstupid

idiot

moron

ugly

I don't want to leave Ivory.

I won't leave her.

I just want to stop hurting her

Hannah was right

I was destroying her

I'm so afraid

I think maybe she only wants to come with me because she thinks it'll disappoint me if she doesn't

It won't

She'd rather settle down

Have a house

Have a home

Be a mother

Have somewhere to come back to at the end of every day

See when we planned, I always assumed it would be me

That she would come back to every day

So that no matter where we went it would always feel like home

I'm not her home anymore

Even if I felt like home somehow, I'm not her only home.

I think even if she came with me, there would always be a part of her that wished she had stayed with Samantha

I couldn't handle that

So maybe this way is for the best?

I'll travel alone

I'll be alone

As it should be I suppose

At least this way, I can't hurt anyone

Again

Short steps... deep breaths... everything is alright....

I wish I had someone to fall back on

I mean a community

That I knew would always stick around

Like Mark or Jack

I couldn't ever be as good of a YouTuber though

I'd never have the same effect

After all, why on earth would people look at me and think "Wow, that inspires me"

If they did, they would end up with the same opinion as Hannah

I don't know what to do

I'm so afraid to meet Ivory in a few weeks as well

What if we get caught?

What if I have to leave early and she drove up all the way from Illinois?

What if something happens and I can't go to the fair?

Short steps

Deep breaths

Everything is alright...

I'm not afraid to keep on living

I am not afraid to walk this world alone

....

Who am I kidding...

I'm fxcking terrified to be alone...

I kind of want to leave, I'm not going to lie.

I can't

Maybe it's time to take a step back?

She doesn't need me.

She may not realize that now

But it's true.

I'm too jealous

I over react

I go on private

I leave and come back

I always assume the worst

I'm not worth this

We're almost back up to three hundred

I always end up alone

Where

are

you

Where are you in all of this?

I wasn't good enough for you either

"Be mine?"

If I would've said yes, would you still be here?

"I miss my best friend."

Yeah, so do I.

But that didn't matter much did it?

It never does

I just need someone to understand...

Am I really that bad? That all I am is a servant to every one else? Am I really no better than... This...?

Useless

That's what I am

Broken and useless and GOD FXCKING DXMMIT I HATE MYSELF

Why

Why am I never enough

I can't even cry

I'm just

Sitting

Empty

Waiting

And I'll think everything is okay again and then all the sudden it isn't and I can't fix anything and

and I miss you

I wish I could collapse and cry and scream

But all I can seem to do is get these tears in my eyes that never fall

And it's more of punishment than relief

I can't fix it

Stupid

Stupid me trusting you

Stupid me trusting anyone

Stupid me

Stupid... stupid me...

"I don't need help, I'm fine"

I can't answer right now

I can't come back

We're working backwards and

I can't do this...

I'm sorry, I can't..

Not like this..

I thought we could go back to the past

But now we're there without anyone else and with everything that's happened since then and my god I'm shaking and I'm so tired of saying sorry and I'm so tired of being lied to and I'm so tired of feeling like nothing

I'm so tired...

I have to get out of here...

I have to get out of here.

I have to get out and I have to save people and I have to feel useful for once in my life.

I'm sorry

For everything

But I don't matter, do I?

Not to anyone.

I get that she's scared.

I'm scared too, why does no one see how afraid I am?

I tried to say I'm scared and it's just: thanks for adding on more guilt

And I say I'm sorry

And all of the sudden I'm assuming it's my fault

I don't understand

It hurts......

I can't do this

If I walk away I'll blame myself

I promised

I don't think it matters to her

Maybe she would be better off if I left....

I don't want her to be better off if I leave..I

I can't say anything right and I can't make her feel okay and I'm so fxcking useless

No

I am infinite

Loved

I will not back down

I'm waiting

Two thirty in the morning every day this week I'm up waiting

Breathlessly

For something

Beauty maybe

Poetry

Love

Death

Maybe it's all the same

I'm afraid and excited and calm and breathless and shaky and steady all at once

I feel awkward and I don't know why

I feel very small as well

Small and insignificant

Useless

Worthless

I find it funny that I still think of you

When I'm sad or angry, I still think of you

I remember one of the last conversations we had I told you that I hadn't eaten

"Eat some dámn food, Chris, or I'll bring you a buffet."

That was just you

Protective and caring and worried and broken but still managing to make me smile

I wish you would've brought me that buffet

There's this song stuck in my head

Well, a line of a song

That always makes me think of you

"I'll follow you into the dark..."

You have no idea how badly I want to follow you

I don't want to die

I just want to be with you

I want our love back

Come back

We can fall in love again

You can ask me to be yours and I'll say yes

It doesn't have to be platonic

I'll tell you I love you

You'll tell me you love me too

We'll make jokes and threats and have stupid fights and crazy love

We'll cosplay and travel and never have a house

You can kiss me anytime you'd like

I'd kiss you back

And lay with you for hours

Just talking about philosophy

Just come back to me okay?

Five in the evening

You were one timezone behind me

I miss my Sam

Come back...

I'm sorry I said no...

I was just so afraid of everything..

You were really upset..

I'd never seen you that upset..

That terrified me even more..

I'm sorry..

God I'm so sorry that I pushed you away like that..

my fault that I'm alone

I'm so sorry

I'm sorry, SM

JHW

My hero

My love

Come back..

"A murderer can't apologize for the bruises on his knuckles or the blood on his shoes."

I'll follow you into the dark..

I figured it out

I finally figured it out

I'm waiting for you

Everyone always blames you, you know?

They tell me you didn't deserve me

That you shouldn't have left

You're the one that tried to pull me closer

And I pushed you away

I can't help but wonder

If I kissed her, do you think she'd kiss me back..?

No

Never mind

She has her Sam and I could never do that

I'd be too afraid to break her heart

She'd never be waiting for me

Hey, Sam?

Thank you.

It took me telling you what I wanted and breaking my heart

All over again

But it's like that poem I posted a while ago

"Crumble. This isn't your destruction. This is your birth."

I think I'll go to 450 and stop there.

Maybe one day I'll kiss her

Out of nowhere

Maybe she won't love me then.

Or maybe she'll always love me

Right now, I think the only thing that matters is that we're together again.

Ivory and me

Argetlam and Amrâl

Warrior and love

With nothing but our infinity and the whole world to explore

I'll still think of you

I promise I won't forget you

But maybe it's time to move on

Maybe we're walking into a new chapter of this book

I won't forget you

I think I made a mistake

I thought I was waiting for you

In a way, I was

Because you made me feel full and happy and philosophical and loved

But now I feel that way again

Ivory's Samantha caused this

She caused us to pull back together

And a part of me wants to believe that you had something to do with it

Twenty more messages to go

I think

I'll come back sometime

To tell you where I am

This has been sort of a diary for me

I think it's time to get a new one.

I'll always miss you, Samantha

I'll always love you

But this chapter is ending

So

I want you to know that you gave me happiness and love and even when you hurt me, you pushed me to something better

So one last time, eh, love?

One last time to our chapter

One last time to us

I refuse to say goodbye

So instead, I'm going to tell you goodnight.

Thank you.

I love you.

And now..

Goodnight, my love. 😌💙 I never got to visit your grave, but here's a flower for you. 🌹 Sleep well, my Samantha.