life has been such a mess. it’s better now but (tw) I underwent a lot of ábûśé. he doesn’t do it anymore but it has permanently scarred me. they say now I have ptsd and am schizoaffective. it feels like maybe rn is a honeymoon period and he’ll start again. I hope not. he seems like one of the few who truly wants to be better. I think he has NPD tho.

can’t say that on Insta but deciding to here if anyone ever sees. if your partner starts being controlling and demanding, especially around întimácy, it may be time to reevaluate. I think I shared about the mîscárriágé scare here but basically AND HUGE TW: he went too far from còèrcèd cônsènt to full on R Word one night. I left to visit home and reevaluate/get safe. he was making me miserable mentally, too. I had weird symptoms start and docs couldn’t tell whether or not it was a mis c. I had to do a blood test. in the days waiting on the answer, I couldn’t handle it anymore. I had so many mixed emotions that were eating me alive, so I attempted. things didn’t actually start getting better when I came back, until maybe April this year. a counselor made him understand his còerciöñ and ábûśè. he loves me, no question. But if he does starts up his b$ again, I’m out. I am tráûmá bonded ig. it’s weird to relive all that but atsm be happy with him rn.

while we’re at it, I gained sooo much weight on my old bipolar med and hated myself, oof. I relapsed with ÈD for six months but I’m relatively good with it rn. I’ve also picked up severe (as in dangerous, not in validity) ŠH capabilities which is a mess. I was so delusional and paranoid for two months before I got diagnosed with SZA instead and got on the right med. I feel erratic and creative and stressed rn so I that’s why I’m dumping my thoughts here, sorry. I know no one is ever on and I hope you head the TW if u see them, I can’t quite hide the comment like with a caption :(

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