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I wrote a lot and was worried about the legibility if I tried to cram everything in one post, so here’s the first half.
okay as soon as I saw this was two full remixes lol g I got very excited! I’m gonna leave some comments as I go, I think it’ll be easier that way :)
bustling like flies over a fallen piece of watermelon! 🤯 I LOVE IT
little critique: I think the first line of the fifth paragraph is too “telling” and not “showing” I don’t think it completely matches the tone of the story so far
wow I love the actions of the father. such an interesting character!
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