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There was a spoken promise and an unspoken promise.
I broke them.
Both of them.
I know that she doesn't need me. I know that. I've always known that.
She doesn't need me because no matter what happens, she's good enough to find someone new.
There was a promise I made to myself. To protect her. To never hurt her. To give her a home.
I not only broke it, I shattered it.
That hurts. She's happy. That's good. I'm glad. She's got someone now, and I will not touch that. She's got a love I could never give her, and that puts something to rest.
She doesn't miss me. She doesn't need me. But I still broke an unspoken promise.
People don't bounce back from unspoken promises.
The goodbye that I said cannot be taken back because it broke something sacred.
So that even if she were to still want to travel with me (Which I highly doubt, like I've mentioned, she has someone.), there is an impossibility that everything will go back to the way it does
Because I broke the unspoken promise. And I cannot reverse time.
The point of all of this is to say that I recognize at least a part of what I've done. And I'm not comfortable with it. I'm not comfortable with myself. I broke an unspoken three year promise, and I will never get over that.
I am not okay. I feel sick when I think about it. In fact, there comes a point when I cannot think too deeply about it because there is hyperventilation and tears and lightheaded fury at myself for what I managed to accomplish with a word.
We had a home. And I set it in flames with a smile
Because I'm addicted to the sound of goodbye.
People must be careful with how far they step
Once you go so far, you cannot take that step back.
She will never believe another promise I make.
That is my fault. I stopped. I just stopped. And I said no more. And no matter how much I would like to take that back, it is impossible. But I want anyone who looks at this to know that I am not heartless. I feel like every other, perhaps even deeper. I am not a hero. I am not someone to be looked up to. I am a terrified girl obsessed with the idea that there has to be something more. Clumsy in things. Promises I never meant to break broken. I wear a mask. I help people when I'm breaking and I lash out when I get hurt. But I feel. And I cry. And my hands shake at goodbye even while I'm addicted.
And I'm sorry.
I am so tired
So tired
Sleepy tired
I've been getting to bed at like one and waking up at like six and then running around all day
It's so tiring but so satisfying. Especially that the most tiring day was completely used to help my coding teacher
I'm not saying that to boast or anything, there's only one person who is ever possibly going to read this. I'm literally just saying it because I want to talk about it and none of my friends actually care ๐
I had to lift super heavy boxes but it was so worth it because he would've had to do it alone if I hadn't
I've started praying for a way to save up money to help buy the 3D printers and such for the class
It would make me so happy to be able to do that
Oh and in my MMA class on Thursday I was the only one and Mr. Frey taught me one on one and that was super cool because the other two students don't try very hard to learn
It's nice when you find who you can trust, you know?
I mean, I would never start telling him my secrets or ask him to be my mentor or something but I have full trust in the fact that he isn't going to hit me.
I just realized how awful that sounds without the knowledge that he's my stage combat and medieval martial arts teacher
I trust he won't hit me with the swords when I'm acting as his "crash test dummy"
And when he uses me to teach the class and shows how a throwing off balance maneuver is done I know he's not going to let me fall
It's nice to feel safe somewhere.
I complain about how busy my schedule has been, but really I love it. I love hanging out with people and helping and becoming a better person.
Even when becoming a better person means learning to control my temper in high stress situations and respect those in authority when they're not being nice
I wonder if that's strange... Loving even the trials of life.
At least after they're over
I keep forgetting everyone views my Instagram stories. Alex is going to worry.
I knew I couldn't come back from goodbye this time. Not in the same way.
Just because I couldn't stay doesn't mean I ever wanted to leave and just because I said goodbye doesn't mean I don't care.
But I'm just Chris right? Silly old Chris. Silly old friend who always tried to take on everything. Liar. Pretender. Promise breaker.
That isn't me anymore. I'm a storyteller and I won't deny that's who I used to be, but I care. I feel it. The longest we haven't talked in three years, of course I Dรขmn well feel it.
People will worry if I post about it. Ask if I'm okay. I don't want to answer that because I don't know.
I feel it
I care
It hurts
I'm not a monster... No matter what people think... I'm not a monster... I'm scared and sometimes I feel far too alone and I say things before I think and I stand up for my friends and I AM NOT HEARTLESS
It's not my fault.
ITS NOT MY FAULT.
I can't do it. I can't.
It's not
I did everything I could.
I told her I loved her when she was sad. I tried to be there. I tried to be a home. I tried to love. I tried to write to cheer her up. I tried to plan so we could meet. I tried to be enough. I tried to stop the fights. I tried to step back when she wanted space. I tried to give the best parts of me I could.
Can't anyone see that I tried to be good enough for everyone?
But one word and none of that means nothing.
One goodbye that I spoke and suddenly I never cared. Suddenly I'm the promise breaker. Suddenly I'm the villain.
Why is it that in three years one word is all that is remembered?
Not that I gave the best of me. Not that I wrote poems. Not that I loved. Not that we were beautiful together. Not that we always asked each other how we were doing. Not that I tried to listen. Not that we made posts and bios and matching profile pics. Not that I gave my last name.
No
The only thing that matters?
I said goodbye because I couldn't take the fights.
Not who I am. Not who I was. Not what we were. Only goodbye. Only a goodbye until Halloween. Only because I didn't want to worry anyone. Only one word and suddenly I'm okay even when I'm not. Because I'm the one who said goodbye, so I must be okay, right? Right? Right. Because having to take a step back because of the fights and the stress going on with my work must mean I'm okay and I never think of the girl I fell in love with for the first time. But that doesn't matter right? Because I said goodbye.
I do this thing where I get upset and say things that sound like I blame people
It's not true.
I mean, yes, it is, but I never said any of what she does.
And she does a lot. I don't forget, but I forget when I'm upset.
It's not her fault. We both did it. And yes, I said goodbye because of the fights and because she was different but I'm different too
I started a good deal of those fights and so did she.
She left a good deal of times and so did I.
It wasn't like I was some angel who never did anything wrong. I did wrong. She did wrong. I did right. She did right.
I never what her to think that it's her fault I said goodbye or her fault we ended up like this. It wasn't all her, it was me too.
How could it have been only her? It was Chris and Ivory. Ivory and Chris.
You never had one without the other and it was never just one of us.
I don't blame you.
I don't blame me.
We both have done wrong and right.
You did not start every fight. I did too. We both screwed up and we both tried to save what we had and I'm sorry for ever making you feel like it was all your fault and all I ever did was good.
I swear this will be the death of me...
She's right that she's got every right to say those things. I don't deny that. I made promises that I was positive I could keep, and now I'm not positive anymore.
She wasn't planning on coming with me anyway
I think that was the moment I broke...
The spit in God's face poem... That felt like a bullet. I knew that I couldn't accept that. But I wasn't going to leave per say. I knew that she had changed beyond what I had thought, but I still loved her. I still do.
The story. The one she asked Samantha to come back. "I've regretted every relationship I had after you. I miss you." For whatever reason, probably because of the message she "never sent," I started to smile. And I started to think maybe I hadn't lost her. And I was going to message her as soon as I finished watching her story because why wait until Halloween, I was tired of waiting.
"SJS"
And then you feel the breath leave you and the sting of tears and every last ounce of strength drain. Not because I wanted a relationship. Not because I could have a romantic relationship, but because she regrets me. And because it was a lie. And because she never missed me.
But that's okay. I'll just wait until Halloween. She'll be okay and I'll be okay, just give me a moment to process. I can handle this.
And then Samantha comes back. Another okay. I didn't really mind. After all, the only thing I didn't like about Samantha was the way she treated her. The way she wouldn't answer. Ivory is worth more than someone who doesn't answer. Then again, she's worth more than someone who can't stop saying goodbye.
But the username... oh lord, the username... "Helloworlditsammy" has such a remarkable similarity to "Helloworldagain1" and of course the name. And of course I can't block out the memories and then the panic sets in and I can't breathe, but that's okay. They don't know what they're doing, it's not their fault.
I didn't mind. And then she tells me to talk to her and it's been a bad day and I don't want to. I don't want to talk and I don't want the drama and I don't want the username on my screen to remind me and I'm almost crying and I don't want people to worry and she persists and I ignore and I start to realize I'm never going to be able to handle her username and posts she's tagged in and stories about them. Not that I want them to stop for me. Of course not, that's the most selfish thing I've ever heard of.
So I'll come back on Halloween and I'll figure out how to do it. I'll ignore the accounts and the posts and I'll just have my best friend back.
"This will be us, baby"
Holding hands. In a car. Driving to who knows where. The same exact picture Ivory and I shared to frame our dream.
And this time I can't stop the shaking. This time I can't pretend I'll be able to do this. This time I don't have the strength to stand up and this time I don't have the strength to smile and this time I can't be sure I'll come back.
Three weeks was enough time away. It was more than enough.
If I was the person I used to be, I would've stayed. I would've stayed through anything.
I don't want to leave. I don't want to break my promises. I would do almost anything to not have to, but I can't put myself through that.
And so I had to say goodbye... No matter how much I hate myself for doing it. It's not easy for me. I don't want to. It wasn't easy. Please... Please forgive me...
I'm going to cry now...
What's happened to us...
I didn't mean to do that...
I didn't mean to push her farther away...
What did I do...
Just tell me what I did, I'll try to fix it
I know I said goodbye. That wasn't okay. And it wasn't the first time I've said goodbye, I know that. We've both said goodbye way more than twice. More than twice I was completely confident that I had lost her forever. That doesn't make what I did right, but I'm trying to fix it... I'm trying to prove to you that I love you...
Saying it doesn't do anything anymore..
Sometimes I think I can make her happy and then sometimes I'm terrified what I've done is so unforgivable that I've ruined everything
I read a book the other day
I romance book and he had to say goodbye to his love because she was in love with someone else
and he said something like "Even if we were to meet again, I knew we would never have the same love we used to..." and I got so fxcking terrified because what if we're never Chris and Ivory again
what if she never loves me like she used to
what if she just keeps leaving
I'm so terrified of losing everyone
They have a good reason to leave
Ivory knows me better than any other human on this earth, and I think that maybe she's starting to see me the way I always have and it terrifies me that she sees I'm not who she thought I was
It terrifies me that I'm not good enough anymore
She's been blocking me out more and more... at least that's what it feels like... I'm so cold...
It's so cold out here, I feel so alone, what have I done...
What do I say now?
It's just a feeling. There aren't words, there isn't a single way to show it that I know of.
It's like icy fire running instead of blood through my veins. Desperation and longing at the core of it all. Running, panicking, writing, breathing, blocking out the thoughts that threaten to trap me- To overwhelm me.
It's like being trapped in a city in the middle of the night and it's all deserted and cold and dogs bark and danger hides in every shadow. One streetlight flickers on and off and I try to catch my breath but the memories come and I can see his eyes glinting just outside the circle of light and I run again.
"Disappointment, disappointment, disappointment.... You could've been so much more than this. You lied and you cheated and you thought you could make it, but you can't. You're nothing. Don't show them weakness. Hide the shaking of your hands, smile for them, give them a show, play the game. That's all it is to you, isn't it? A game. A game of running and hiding in plain sight. So many different faces you have and it's so hard to put on the true one. You're losing them. Run faster, you're losing her. You're going to lose them all. Disappointment, burden. Weighing them all down. It would be better if you were gone wouldn't it? They'd be happier without you there. They spend too much money on you and somehow you always manage to let them down, to let them all down. Keep running, you're losing them. Losing them all."
That's what my thoughts say to me.
And I'm trying to follow Jesus and I'm trying to be good but I feel like I'm failing.
"I promise I'll never let you down. I'll always be here to catch you when you fall."
I'm lost now. I don't know how to keep my promise. I don't know how to help. I don't know anymore, nothing in my power helps, but I'm trying. I swear I'm trying, please don't give up yet. Please don't go, we can do this together. Please believe you can find happiness again...
I've found happiness on a lot of days. There will always be bad days and days when you're thoughts scream and whisper and tell you that you don't belong, but there are good days too. Happy days. They come, you just have to keep fighting. Please keep fighting...
Please don't leave me
You belong here
You're worth it
It gets better than this
Is this all I'll ever be..?
Just "Goodbye"
This is it?
I don't want to live as goodbye...
Too many mistakes...
Too many wrong moves...
Checkmate?
"Goodbye"
"I don't know"
Breaker... Breaker, Breaker... It would be so easy to just stop... It's been months since I've relapsed. Months. And yet, what good can there be if all I'll ever be is just... "Goodbye"?
"We'll see how that turns out"
That's not what I meant...
I didn't know how to phrase it
I'm not good..
"Please don't go, if you leave I may use that rope and I don't want to, if you leave I don't know what'll happen"
Say it like that not like you're blaming her for something
Stupid..
I didn't mean-
What does it matter..
What do I matter here anymore..
Sometimes I really, really hate myself.
I feel so lonely, Sam..
I really can't do anything right, can I..?
I was supposed to keep it together and I almost died earlier..
I still want to, I'm not going to lie
After all, I've basically broken just about everything that's ever mattered to me
I wonder if there's anyone left here that still wants me here..
As in, who's afraid to lose me.
Nah.. Who'd be afraid to lose me..
I'm just- Well, I'm just nothing, right?
Please kill me
I need to stop talking
I-
My hands haven't really stopped shaking
"I'm a stitch away from making it and a scar away from falling apart"
I'm so sorry..
Oh lord I'm so sorry
I never meant to do this
This isn't what I meant to become make this stop its all my fault
I've destroyed everything I'm
Monster.. Liar.. Breaker..
No, no, no, I didn't-
I can't breathe.. Oh lord I can't breathe..
Help me..
Who would help me now..
Fxck..
Make it stop make it stop make it stop..
THIS ISNT WHAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO BECOME
I never meant to be this I can feel my heart breaking I'm so sorry
What have I done..
I can't do this..
I can't breathe
This isn't what I was supposed to be
I wanted to be home
I wanted to be safe and good and trustworthy and loyal and I'm-
I'm a liar.. I destroyed me.. I destroyed the one I love..
Amrรขl.. Love.. I don't deserve that.. I never have..
I let you down, Sam.. I let her down.. I'm going to let everyone else down..
I can't do this.. I can't keep going like this.. It's over..
I'm over..
I'm sorry
I'm so sorry
I'm-
I wanted so badly-
never mind..
It doesn't matter.. never has..
I'm just like everyone else..
It's all too loud.. It's all falling apart and I- I just wanted- I just want- I just want you to know, Argetlam.. It would've been you.. If it could've turned out differently, you would still be my choice.. I would still choose you as my person. I would still choose you to make s'mores at four in the morning and dance in the kitchen in pajamas in the middle of the day.. I would still choose to take the pain away if I could.. I would still choose to be your person.. I want you to know that.. It was you.. It was always you..
I-
I should go..
I actually think I'm going to be sick
I might've lost her this time
All those times she tried to leave me and now.. Now it might be it.. It might be over..
I can't breathe
I want to believe what she said.. When she said she could never leave me.. I want to believe.. Please make me believe..
These wooden castles...
I've been reading my messages to you. Everything that happened. Each comment is like a little time capsule of where I was when I wrote it and I've relived the past years again and again... And it tastes so bittersweet
I remember who I was. And I miss her. I miss who I used to be.
"Chris Firehart, the girl who never backed down."
Some part of me thinks I can be that again.
My head hurts though
And it hurt reliving it all
It hurt to remember, but it was so sweet at the same time
I remember the nightmare I had where I watched Ivory die and then I watched her try to kill me because I didn't save her.
January 23
"Ivory and I are turning into strangers with memories. God, it hurts." (1/23/16)
"I always say I don't need anyone. Really I need everyone desperately and no one needs me." (2/18/16)
"And then Hannah had to go and compare me to you. It's not like that's not what I've always wanted. I've always wanted to be just like you, but not like that. Not the way you left..." (3/30/16)
"I thought we could go back to the past. But now we're there without anyone else and with everything that's happened since then and my god I'm shaking and I'm so tired of saying sorry and I'm so tired of being lied to and I'm so tired of feeling like nothing." (7/14/16)
"Maybe she would be better off if I left... I don't want her to be better off if I leave, I- I can't say anything right and I can't make her feel okay and I'm so fxcking useless." (7/14/16)
"No. I am infinite. Loved. I will not back down." (7/14/16)
"I finally figured it out. I'm waiting for you." (7/14/16)
"Right now I think the only thing that matters is that we're together again. Ivory and me. Argetlam and Amrรขl. Warrior and Love. With nothing but our infinity and the whole world to explore." (7/15/16)
"I'd like to think she'd be able to fall asleep if I were there to hold her, but I think that's just a fantasy." (7/29/16)
"I thought I was doing some good. I thought maybe I could make her believe she was beautiful if I told her enough, because she is. I thought maybe if I loved enough I could convince her that she was loved..." (7/30/16)
"No, this is wrong. I want to scream. Just scream forever until I can't taste anything but blood and I can't think and everything else fades. (7/30/16)
and then right after that, who's thought was it that saved me?
"No. Ivory." (7/30/16)
"I know that she could flat out punch me and I would get up and hug her because the Chris part of my mind still believes that she does love me." (7/30/16)
"It was never about whether she would believe it or not. It was about hope and stories and telling the truth no matter what people thought. Honesty. Poetry." (7/30/16)
"Focus on what I know... I know love. I know she's beautiful. I know I can fight." (7/30/16)
"Get up, stand up, keep fighting." (8/2/16)
"She changes when she's on them... She doesn't realize it, but I know because I know my Argetlam and when she's smoking and drinking and doing those things she doesn't act like my Ivory anymore.. She's more reckless and sรผicidal and aggressive and I can tell when the crashes come because she always gets frustrated and angry and not with me but this is when she starts keeping secrets again and every day is a battle and I don't want this to happen again... I was working on her gift at three in the morning yesterday and I was thinking back to figure out what had changed about her because I knew she wasn't acting the same... And that's when I realized the only time she acts like this is when she goes back to those things and I don't know, I just completely broke... I'm talking full panic attack, sobbing, punching the wall out of frustration type of breaking. I can't change what she does because it's not my life, it's hers, but I can't take it... I don't know what to do, Sam, I can't leave, but it hurts so badly..." (8/3/16)
"She wants things that I don't want.. She wants the smoking and the drinking and detentions and stealing and it's what I don't want and I don't know what to do because I'm not here to change her and I still love her just the way she is, but I'm stuck..." (8/3/16)
"I'm tired of playing strong because God knows I'm not. After all, I always come running to you, don't I? The girl who gave up on me... Joke's on you, now I'm the one giving up." (8/3/16)
"This is where I lose myself entirely." (8/3/16)
And yet, I didn't lose myself. August third turned out to be one of the best days of my life. I remember that day clearly before I went to the fair... I was on the floor in the bathroom and Ivory and I were doing that sort of role play thing we do. You know, the *hugs* *hugs back* *smiles* *kisses cheek* type of thing. And I remember I sat down and started crying there, just like I really was. And I remember she came and sat down next to me and held me and I smiled and we were okay. I think I realized then that I hadn't lost her and I hadn't lost myself. We were still together... Still together...
"Every god Dxmned nightmare... She's dying, she hates me, she's forgotten who I am, she's forgotten who we are... She's gonna and I wake up panicking and crying because 'you could've saved her' 'should've tried harder' 'it's going to happen' ...And my head hurts because I've spent a few hours with her and I already know I never want to lose that. I don't ever want to lose this." (8/4/16)
"Take her hand so she won't take the cigarette, make her promise she won't do it again, show her there's a better way..." (8/4/16)
"I know what I fight for, it's just so hard to remember when I can hardly remember my own name. There's something I do love. Someone? Precious. Good. Happiness. I can remember a feeling. Hope. Warmth. Slightly sweaty hands, but I can't let go..." (8/9/16)
"She walks away and I just fall more in love." (8/9/16)
"And it's so stupid because I keep saying I have to go when all I want to do is stay." (8/9/16)
"Please keep texting... Please still care about me... Please care enough to say it's okay for me to fall sometimes..." (8/9/16)
"I want her. Her personality and her quirks and just everything about her. I hate feeling so distant from her. It's like my soul goes on life support and I'm just here gasping and I'm afraid she's just fine without me. I'm afraid I'm the only one who can't survive when we're distant." (8/11/16)
"She's given me everything and all I've given her is hurt and heartbreak." (8/14/16)
"See, Ivory is the girl people write stories and poems about. She's strong. And she does what she thinks is right no matter what people tell her. She's been through hxll and she's still here. She's the hero that people are inspired by, she doesn't even know it." (8/18/16)
"I really need to go... I'll be in my head wandering among the dead flowers... Drunk on my stupidity and probably getting tortured by Moriarty." (8/21/16)
"She thinks it's easy for me to leave, but it isn't. I swear it isn't." (8/26/16)
"I'm not going to force her to stay with someone who can't even stay happy. I want her, but if she doesn't want me, that's fine... She deserves better anyway." (9/1/16)
"We had plans and love and fire and soul and we were broken but somehow whole. We were beautifully, infinitely, poetically soulful and now..." (9/28/16)
"I think she's waiting for Liam." (7/29/16)
"I love her in a hundred different ways and I can't just explain one because they all go together. (7/29/16)
"There was a promise I made to myself. To protect her. To never hurt her. To give her a home. I not only broke it, I shattered it." (10/15/16)
"We had a home and I set it in flames with a smile because I'm addicted to the sound of goodbye." (10/15/16)
"I told her I loved her when she was sad. I tried to be there. I tried to be a home. I tried to love. I tried to write to cheer her up. I tried to plan so we could meet. I tried to be enough. I tried to stop the fights. I tried to take a step back when she wanted space. I tried to give the best parts of me I could. Can't anyone see that I tried to be good enough for everyone? But one word and none of that means anything." (10/23/16)
The end of the rising and falling of the best and worst years of my life...
Oh, I wish I could do it all again...
Feel it all again...
Even the pain...
Every time that I thought she was gone and I lost it and the tears that came when I realized she wouldn't leave. All of the fights and the love and everything we were... I wouldn't trade it.
I always said "All or nothing"... I certainly got it didn't I?
I got the world and I lost the world and I loved and hurt and all with the people who made me who I am
Every time I thought it was over...
We aren't so different as I think sometimes, you know? We're just in a valley again. But I won't let go. It's not in my nature. I'll fight up to the top of the mountain and watch the stars again
I'll carry her if I have to. I can't leave her behind, I couldn't ever leave her...
She's my poetry, after all
But she's so much more than that
She's so much more than I could ever say
I love her.
Good lord have mercy, I love her.
With every part of love that I have inside me I love her.
Anything that I know of love... I love her...
And I think the only being that loves her more than I do is God himself.
I'll keep praying for her. I'll keep fighting for her. I'll keep fighting for us.
How could I not?
She's my Argetlam.
She doesn't have to "be Ivory" or whatever the hxll that ever meant
We haven't really changed all that much.
She's my girl, you know?
My love.
I really don't want to ever, ever lose her.
Andy, Ivory... Like she said, it's just different names for the same person.
She can hate me or love me but I love her. And I always will.
I hope she reads all this. I hope she knows how happy I am that she's alive. How much I smiled when I got a notification from "Andy.Firehart"
Firehart...
My Firehart.
Stay with me, love. Don't you dare look back. Stay with me.
We aren't over yet.
Not yet.
Not if I have a Dxmn thing to say about it.
God help me
Give me the strength, because I can't do this on my own
I can't do this on my own...
You're the only one that can save me now, lord... I'm trusting you... Don't let me down now. You've been with me to here, don't let me go now. Give me the strength to keep fighting for her. Give me the strength to keep fighting for me. And don't let her die... Please, God, don't take her away...
I feel sick...
I just read those posts on Instagram.. I wasn't able to read them before..
I can't stop shaking..
All last night I thought I was making her smile and this morning I got up in time to say good morning and I thought-
She doesn't want me..
All these comments.. I- I wanted to make her smile and I-
I've just been bothering her, I thought-
I can't breathe...
Fxck I can't breathe..
I can't even cry my chest just feels so tight and I feel sick and
I just wanted to be good..
I just wanted to make her smile and I-
I wanted to be home..
I wanted to be her person..
She's so lovely and her smile is so beautiful and I thought..
I thought maybe I could be good to her..
Maybe I could make her see..
How amazing she is to me and
I-I'm just like everyone else..
"Chris Firehart, the girl who never backed down"
That's what I said, isn't it?
"Chris Firehart, the girl who broke what she loved"
Breaker
I broke it..
Chris Firehart..
"I miss who I used to be"
Yeah well don't miss her
All she ever does is break
And smile
Smile as it all burns down
I meant to be a fighter..
I meant to fight for her..
It's over now, isn't it, Sam..?
Three years..
I had to keep it together for four years and I would've made it
With her.
I actually feel like I'm choking right now
"Forever" I told her
Is my forever over, Sam..?
I don't know what's happening to me..
God, help me, please.. I'm fxcking breaking.. I need You..
I can't get up..
I'm sitting in my room next to the heater like I always do and my fan is spinning and it's making the same noise but it's all too loud and it doesn't feel right and I can't move..
Ha..
How funny.. I'm going to a masquerade tonight..
"Masquerade.. hide your face so the world will never find you.."
I always wished someone would fall so in love with me that even when they wanted to move on they couldn't.. That they would look for me in everyone they met but they wouldn't be able to find me.. And they would always come back to me.. Because we had fire... and soul... and-
It's the other way around isn't it..
"I love you." She whispered to me. And all at once I couldn't see her face anymore. It wasn't the girl I knew, it was you again... Always you with your smile and the way your eyes crinkled and that silly smirk you gave me so many times. All this time and your face still came to me. All this time and it was still your voice echoing sleepily in my ears. "I love you." You'd said to me and I said it back without a moment of hesitation. It was true. I loved you and there wasn't any possible way to question. It was your smile as you closed your eyes and fell asleep against me. Your warmth. Your love. "Chris?" I was pulled back to reality and you were gone again. Just like that. "I said I love you." Tears filled my eyes as I looked at her. The way her hair fell over her face and the way her eyes shone. She was beautiful and I did love her. I struggled to keep my voice steady. "I love you too." Her eyes looked at me and pain filled them- Nearly breaking me. I managed to press down the sadness for a moment if only for her sake. She must've heard the broken tone in my voice though because the next word out of her mouth was, "But?" I shook my head and forced a smile onto my face. "But nothing." I told her. "I love you too." And I did. It was absolutely true, I did love her. Even so, the words that had died on my lips still echoed in my mind. "But you're not her."
I can't do this, Sam...
I haven't felt this awful since I thought you posted "Seek attention elsewhere"
She doesn't want me...
Three years...
Three years of loving and wanting her and planning with her and she doesn't want me anymore
And it's my fault...
I shouldn't have said goodbye... I shouldn't have broken... I shouldn't have fought back... I should've been better...
Did you know what my plan was? If she were to decide she didn't want me?
She had my convinced sometimes that she would always want me, she really did.
But everyone leaves me, you know? And one day when I thought she didn't want me, I figured out what I was going to do if I didn't have an impala and my best friend with me
Join the army.
Get killed somewhere defending my country
Die an empty hero
Ha... Hero...
Do you remember when she used to think I was a hero?
And I would get so scared because I didn't know how to be a hero
I still don't
Bet she'd never believe that now...
It couldn't ever be the truth again, right?
She's not going to come back, is she Sam?
She told me two days
And when I made her promise she said "yeah"
I've lost her though, haven't I?
I didn't even know it was goodbye...
Last screenshots... Last messages...
Was it over when I said goodbye..?
Breaker, breaker...
"I'm not going to say goodbye, it's goodnight"
One of the last words on our FaceTime call...
I'm empty now..
There's so much left to say...
So much I didn't say...
But all I am now to her is a liar...
Just like everyone else...
I'm sorry...
I'm so, so sorry that I never helped and I never said the right things or wrote the right stories
I'm so sorry that I was me...
Was it all a lie..?
Since the day I said goodbye, was every smile and text a lie..?
If she ever decides to come home... Decides to read these... Decides I'm still home and misses me...
I'll always want her...
I will always want her.
And... Even if I'm breaking...
If she ever needs someone to fight with her and to try to pick her up when she falls or sit in the darkness and whisper I love you until the night is drunk with it and her ears are tired of the sound, I will be there
I'll always be there. Fighting for her... Praying for her... Loving her... Missing her...
She'll always be my Argetlam, you know?
Forever and Always. I won't say goodbye. Never again. I can't do that again, I honestly don't think I'm capable... But no matter how much I want her to stay, I can't stop the goodbye from leaving her lips... That story that I wrote... If you ever read this, Argetlam, the girl I was remembering is you. It's you. It's always you. Forever...
I didn't mean to come back here, I just keep ending up right back where I began..
I wish to heaven and hxll those posts weren't about me..
I don't see how it couldn't be though...
Everything hurts and I'm numb at the same time...
I have to go to the party soon... Hopefully the mask will help.. I did end up crying by the way.. My head and throat hurt a lot now..
I can't be mad at her..
I can't stop loving her..
Every time I think about her, I almost expect anger or sadness or something like that
It's just love..
It's always just love.
And wishing she were here, telling me it wasn't true. That she wants me. That she loves me. That she believes me when I say I love her too.
"You make it sound so sweet when you lie to me..."
I have to get ready soon
I love you, Sam...
I love you, Argetlam.. ๐๐๐น
She's coming back.
I want to cry from happiness
I still have questions, but I haven't lost her...
And when she comes back, maybe we'll figure it out together.
Thank you, God... Thank you that she's still here with me...
Why is it that I couldn't do it?
It doesn't matter anymore, does it..? Nothing I say matters because I'm just one of them.
She doesn't love me. She couldn't, how could she?
I'm just another broken thing.. Just one of them.. Just a promise breaker..
"Chris Firehart" ...A name that brings fear... Apprehension...
"Amrรขl" Used to mean love... Used to mean someone who wouldn't leave... Now what does it mean? "That one person who won't let go." "That one person who broke all of her promises." "That one person I don't want anymore."
I'm sorry, Liam... I'd trade places with you if I could... She'd rather have you and she could've had you if I would've just-
I never meant to be this way..
I would bring them back if I could. I would trade places with them, Argetlam.. If only it would give you hope again..
If only I could, I swear I would.. And they would treat you so much better than I would.. I'm so sorry I'm not the person you wanted.. I'm so sorry I'm not the person I promised I could be.. I'm so sorry I'm just another broken thing that broke you.. I'm so sorry..
Why am I here again...
I feel like my heart might just suddenly collapse at any moment...
Every time I think about losing her I go into panic mode...
But I can't stop it...
I can't make her smile anymore..
She doesn't trust me anymore..
I don't know what to do, Sam...
I'm-
I've failed..
If only she would've listened when I told her I would hurt her... If only she would've let me die when you did maybe she'd be alright right now... Maybe she'd even be happy... With Liam maybe... Maybe she'd smile and laugh and not have to fake it and maybe she wouldn't ever have to worry about keeping me happy...
Dรกmmit, Argetlam, why wouldn't you let me go...
Why can't I do anything anymore..
I would go through whatever you wanted me to just to see you honestly smile without having to fake it...
I'm sorry...
I'm-
I really should listen before I start freaking ranting to this account
I'm sorry, I just get so scared.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
No matter what.
I love you.
"I thought if I could touch this place or feel it this brokenness inside me might start healing..."
"Why don't you stay? I'm down on my knees, I'm so tired of being lonely... don't I give you what you need?"
Nah..
I messed it all up..
"Hope the wound heals but it never does... That's cause you're at war with love, you're at war with love, yeah... These battle scars don't look like they're fading. Don't look like they're ever going away, they ain't never gonna change..."
It hurts, ya know?
I'm on my laptop and I'm not supposed to be here and I've got about two seconds but I couldn't go to bed without saying this. And since I can't talk to you directly, this is going to have to do...
I love you, Argetlam. And I really can't believe that this is the end. We're fighters. Always have been. Even when it looks impossible, we fight and we fight together.
I know it's scary and I know we feel broken and I know I sounded like goodbye tonight, but this can't be the end. It can't be. We've got a shot still left and I'm praying you read this because I don't know what else to do. Don't. Go. We can still do this. We are not over. We're never over.
And so please... Please for the love of god read this and do not leave me. Do not let go. I'm not letting go, so stay with me. Stay with me. I love you. I can't have my phone or iPad and I can't DM you so please just realize this is the best I can do. And if I sounded like I was giving up earlier, I was wrong. I was so fricking wrong, love... Please don't say goodbye
I just wish I had the ability to make it all okay...
Ease the pain, make her forget all of the bad things in this world.
Although I have faith that someday she will be alright.
But I don't believe for a moment it'll be because of me
Or any human here for that matter
But I believe she will be.
And I believe I'll be right next to her.
I love her.
Even if she doesn't love her
I love her.
Her... Her not me...
I'm shaking she's not answering me
Why isn't she answering...
I'm trying so hard not to cry dรขmmit...
Please be okay.. I was just saying I loved you.. Never once today did I even begin to think you didn't love me...
If she doesn't come back, I swear..
I feel sick..
What did I do..
No, no, no, I-
Shฤฏt...
no blades
WHY ARE THERE NO BLADES IN THIS FXCKING HOUSE
or lighters
fanfxckingtastix
why do I not have any pencil sharpeners that'll work
found one
it's dull
what is the point of a dull pencil sharpener
I swear I'm going to go crazy
this is my fault..
losing her
what if she took pills
or cut too deep
she didn't want to be here anyway
fxck fxck fxck
WHY IS THERE NOTHING IN THIS HOUSE
someone shoot me right now
I'm going to lose her
why
WHY
she's going to leave
just like she said she wanted to
I can't stop shaking
where is she
I could relax if I knew she was safe but-
I found one.
if I do this, she's going to blame herself
but she might not come back at all
fxck...
I-
I might just start frรฎcking screaming
I need this.
but I can't hurt her..
She's gone.
I can't-
I'm- abusive..?
I- I thought-
No.. I must be..
But- But I can't think of anything I would've done to-
Jay..
sexual abuse..
Moriarty..
emotional..
Kat..
emotional..
Saying goodbye..
Convincing her she was destructive..
Arguing..
Blaming..
Forcing her to take my name and keep it..
no..
Lord have mercy she's right, I'm-
breaker..
monster..
Fxck, I need to go.. before I hurt anyone else..
"Go to sleep and close your eyes and dream of broken butterflies..."
"It's alright, yeah I'll be fine. Don't worry about this heart of mine..."
"Do you feel like a man when you push her around? Does it make you feel better as she falls to the ground?"
I miss my happy little memory..
And Argetlam doesn't want to talk..
Why can't the boys just take no for an answer?
Why am I so small?
Useless. Stupid. I can't find a blade.
I just want to cry
I don't want to be lonely..
Lonely.. Lonely, lonely..
Lonely in the fact that I miss people who are gone and people who are here and people I never had
I don't know how to say what I feel
I wish-
No.. That's all that's needed I suppose.. Just "I wish"..
Why do I always break down..
I'm so tired..
I'm so tired of falling asleep alone and waking up alone and being scared and feeling like I'm nothing..
And the one person on this earth..
The one person I'm closest to..
The one person that knows me better than any other person..
The one person I can never keep myself from turning to when I'm breaking down..
The one person I hoped I would never ruin it all with, I did
The one person I thought would always be my forever person and I would be theirs... They've got better than me
Which really isn't hard to do
After all, I'm-
I'm-
...Who am I, Sam...?
Who am I?
I've- I've forgotten...
She didn't care earlier..
She said "never mind"
I always told her not to worry..
I suppose she finally listened..
But she told me she cared..
Earlier..
Am I allowed to say she still?
She got mad at me when I said girl..
I don't know..
I don't know, this isn't the right thing to say..
this is why everyone leaves..
I think..
except God
He's never left me.
but it's so hard to trust sometimes..
I feel like I'm failing..
And it hurts..
I hurt..
I don't really want to be alive anymore, Sam..
If I'm in a battle right now, I feel like I've fallen down
I want to breathe, but the hits keep coming
Do people need me anymore..?
Do I even matter at all?
I have to, right..?
I've got to mean something..
Honestly, I just want to cry
But I'm at my friend's house
The two people in the room with me are asleep already
I can't cry
my head hurts..
I wish-
I wish sometimes.. That there was someone here
I don't know how to say it..
She's got people.
See?
She's got people she loves. Who love her.
And so do I, but-
People don't-
People don't cry because they don't want to lose me
And people don't look me in the eye and tell me "I'm not going to leave you"
I'm not the person people want
I sound so selfish..
I have people. I know I do.
And I love them.
I love all of them to death
just.. sometimes I wish for that old security
I'm an xsshole.
I'm going to hurt someone.
I really do hate myself sometimes
I guess I'm going to go..
I don't know what else to say
I've probably already hurt her
I don't want to hurt her
I love her
and I trust her
and I don't want to hurt her anymore..
I don't want to hurt anyone anymore..
"A lover, not a fighter on the frontline with a poem..."
I'm not a fighter..
I just know how to love.. So why is it so hard for me to love myself?
I'm back again
surprise, surprise
sometimes I don't think it's fair, you know?
I'm not the person she needs
or even really wants
which isn't surprising, I'm just Chris
always here
mostly sad
stupid and silly and never enough
she'd rather have other people
which is okay
I'm just me and even if I were better, I'm glad she has other people
I'm glad she has her person.
Her best friend.
I'm so glad.
I'm so happy for her
but at the same time..
at the same time there's a selfish part of me who's upset
because I don't have another person
I can never seem to open up with anyone else
there's no other human being that occupies my thought first thing in the morning or when I'm really sad
Who's the person my automatic reaction to turn to is?
Who's the person I think of when I see the stars?
Who's the person I wish was lying with me when it's three in the morning and I can't sleep and I can't keep from crying?
Who's the only person I can imagine traveling constantly with?
It's her.
It's always, always her.
And I want her to have other people, I do
I'm happy she does
I'm happy she has people who make her happy
I just-
I don't know..
I'm just a selfish รคsshole I suppose..
Who says goodbye and says don't worry and then wonders why people stop caring
just another everybody I suppose..
It's all so-
It all hurts so much sometimes
That's not the right word...
What's the word I'm looking for?
Hurtful.. Final.. Continual.. Never ending.. Sad..
It's like-
It's that feeling I get sometimes when I look up at the stars and realize I'm looking at the same stars someone a thousand years before looked at and the same stars someone a thousand years after me will look at
It's looking around and realizing the world goes on
The world goes on... Even when my world doesn't...
It's not fair.
It's not right.
ITS NOT FXCKING RIGHT
Why does it all go on
Why doesn't it stop
Why won't it stop
Why do I have to keep getting up
Why do I have to keep pretending it doesn't bother me
How do I live with the knowledge that I ruined it
Careless
Careless idiot
Why won't it stop
There's not even pain
I know how to handle pain, I know how to hold back tears, I know how to stand when everything says that I shouldn't
But I don't know this
I don't know how to fight this
I know how to fight for the future
I know how to battle in the present
But how the hxll do I destroy the past?
There's always been a fight for the future
But it's not because I said goodbye
It's because I loved her over a line
It's because we can't cross back over
It's because I let ache you left and the love I felt overwhelm me and I let go and I can't stand that I'm not trustworthy anymore
I can't stand that she'll never look at me like that again
I can't stand that it's all over
I can't stand my own fxcking skin anymore.
I hate that my world is on fire and I'm on fire and the rest of the world keeps spinning
Lorelai keeps laughing
Flowers keep blooming
Rain keeps coming
Night turns into day again
And day back into night
The radio keeps playing music and YouTubers keep posting and everyone goes on living and loving and smiling and crying and fighting
The stars will still appear and they'll remind some of hope and some of simpler times
Some of the life they once held
The hope they once felt
The time when four hundred miles was the only distance separating them from the one they love
There's no pain... Just a dull ache of "you could've been"
"What if this is the only way to go back?"
"We can't go back!"
I didn't understand
I thought it was so much simpler
I don't want to live
I don't want to die
I don't want to exist
But I don't want to not exist
I want to go back
Exactly one year ago
"If today I woke up with you right beside me like all of this was just some twisted dream I'd hold you closer than I ever did before... And you'd never slip away..."
I wish I could scream
And cry
And collapse
And I wish that it would set my veins on fire
Set me burning so that my hands would shake and every old scar would reopen and I couldn't breathe
But all I can do is sit here with music faintly playing, staring out the window as rain hits the windshield and my fingers go numb
I'm so afraid that I'll forget what it felt like to be loved by her
I know she loves me, but I mean-
I mean those subtle things... All the subtle things and- I don't know how to explain it..
I'm so afraid that I'll forget..
I swear if I could wake up right here a year ago, I'd call her and I'd cry and I wouldn't let go. I wouldn't ever let go of it and I would fight with everything and I would never let myself slip into that moment I was certain no matter what happened I could never lose this
Because I can.
I see that now.
I see how fast I can lose everything I thought would never leave
Do you remember the Doctor Who episode... Doomsday... When Rose let's go of the lever and her father comes and takes her and she breaks down and hits the wall and cries and keeps screaming "Take me back" over and over again
Take me back, Sam..
I was wrong... I was so wrong...
And the rain keeps falling...
I probably just screwed up everything again..
I can't even think anymore..
I-
IT DOESNT EVEN FXCKING MATTER
nothing I do ever matters
now I'm going to lose her too?
EVERYTHING THAT IVE LOST
AND YOURE GOING TO TAKE HER AWAY FROM ME??
I swear I want to take those pills.
They're there.
They've been there.
everyone leaves..
why does everyone have to leave..?
I'm sorry..
okay?
I'm sorry that I'm not enough
I'm sorry, Sam.
I'm sorry, Liam.
I'm sorry, Gina.
I'm sorry, Layla.
I'm sorry, Anna.
I'm sorry, Hazel.
I'm sorry, Amber.
I'm sorry, Hannah.
I'm sorry A'mael.
I'm sorry, Argetlam.
I'm so sorry..
I'm so fxcking sorry..
I guess that's it then
She's not coming back
I don't blame her...
No one wants to stay with someone like me...
That edit I made was fully a vent edit.
The original line for "I'm not enough, I'm never enough" was "I'm never enough to make people stay" "I always end up alone"
Dull aching
Subtle pounding in my head
Hands shake
Breathing shallow
Unsteady
It'll never be the same will it?
I always had that plan..
In case she changed her mind.
People never stay that long
Join the army. Go overseas. Get killed somewhere fighting for my country.
you know, through everything..
She almost had me convinced I would have her forever
"Forever"
should've known
you promised me forever too
where are you now
and where's your precious Chris now?
in the bathroom
writing messages to someone who's been dead for nearly three years
wondering where I went wrong..
no
I know where I went wrong.
but I know all the places I went right too.
I'm wondering when I stopped being "Chris" to her
I'm wondering when I stopped being the "everyone but Chris"
I'm wondering when I became just another everybody.
I'm wondering when I became so easy for her to leave
I'm so tired... I can't do this, Sam... But I guess it doesn't matter... She's gone. She won't respond to my texts. I doubt she'd answer the phone. I don't think she'll ever read these and if she does... Well, if she does I don't think it'll matter much... She doesn't want me. She doesn't want us. She said so. I-
I don't have much use here anymore, do I, love? I tried. I swear I tried, Sam. I tried so hard and I gave my best and it wasn't enough... It's never enough... I- Goodbye.. Samantha.. SM.. I can't say goodbye to Ivory. I can't bring myself to. It'll never be goodbye. But to you, SM.. My old friend.. My almost lover.. My wonderful writer girl.. Goodbye. Goodbye, love. Goodbye.
It's been half a year.
I feel like I'm breaking some sort of contract with myself, but here we are...
Let's get to a thousand, love. For old times sake.
I don't know where to go. And I don't know what to do.
I want to talk this through. Without having to write comments to someone else, but I don't know that we're talking now... Or that she'll ever look at this, but I just feel like I should try
Because I can't just give up, I can't
Lorelai's birthday party is today
She's turning three.
I'm supposed to be happy
And I am... in some weird way.
I'm not happy..
I'm confident that things are going to be okay
Someday...
I will not give up.
I will not give up.
And I don't know if I'm saying that for me or not
But I know that I can't give up.
Keep breathing, Chris...
I can do this.
Firehart.
Stand strong.
I don't know what I'm feeling
It's like... I'm calm
There's no panic, there's no shaking, there's no tears
There's just this overwhelming feeling of love
That's what it is.
It's love.
I'm in love with everything around me
These humans, these places, these roads that lead everywhere
It's infinite and lovely and so much bigger than just me
And still I look at my Argetlam and quietly pray that we stay together
There are so many things left undone
So many things left to learn
So many things left to live
It feels strange talking to you again
Maybe I won't go to a thousand
I just want people to know...
Anyone who ever finds these comments
A million years from now perhaps
Once upon a time I needed someone and she was there. When no one else was, she was there
And two girls fell in love and stuck together and lost themselves and found themselves and lived and loved and refused to let go when everyone said they were crazy.
And they grew up. And they changed. And they did what they promised they never would.
And whether it was Chris and Ivory or Ivory and Chris or Andy and Chris or Chandy or Ash and Chris or Sam and Dean or Argetlam and Amrรขl or just plain Firehart, we loved.
We loved with everything that we had and we fell and got up and screwed up and loved through it and we made it through storms and we built our own infinity
And Argetlam... If you ever see this... My lovely, lovely Argetlam...
If you choose to say goodbye
And if we never speak again
And if we never make it
And if the impossible happens to us
I'm proud of us.
With everything within me. With everything we went through. With every person we lost and every blow we took and every moment we wanted to give up
I am so proud of us.
I don't know what to do now. We're at a crossroads.
You've come to hate what I've come to love, and it's hard on me and it's hard on you and I don't want this to break us apart
I just... I don't know
I don't have an answer for this one
The only thing I can say- The thing I will never, never stop saying is I love you.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
My warrior, my love, my infinity, and my Argetlam...
I always have, and always will love you.
I don't want to send a message if it's going to be upsetting
But I also hate to see my Argetlam hurting...
Why does everything have to be so messed up between us?
There are things that I want to tell, but I don't ever want to guilt people into sticking with me and I'm afraid that's what'll happen. So...
I suppose this is the best I can do... Probably...
It really does hurt
Finding out someone wasn't all that you thought they were
Remembering the things you did
I don't know how I could've done those things
It feels like a different person, but I know it wasn't
I feel like I'm going to throw up
And now I can't think straight
Because I don't understand how I could've done everything that I did
I don't know what kind of person I had to have been to do things like that
I don't understand why I'm loved the way that I am and why people look up to me when they do
They never realize that I'm not someone to look up to
I just want to point to all of that sometimes and show them
I know I'm not that person anymore, but I was
I'm going to be sick
I literally feel dizzy
I don't deserve to live to sixteen so why was I allowed to?
Why did everyone always stop me?
How is it that I'm supposed to have a purpose when THATS where I came from
But that's not who I am...
It's who I was
I wouldn't be in the slightest surprised if I'm the only one who will ever take the name "Firehart" after today
I remember the day I asked..
I was so nervous
And then we were both so excited
And I almost started crying
What kind of person can become so numb that they do everything they never wanted to do in one single moment?
But that's not me.
I promised myself that I would be better than that
I promised I would never fall that low again
I still might be sick
I think this is the first time it's ever really hit me
I've always been so numb to things... For years and years and it's been something I've regretted but I've never felt it this deeply
"Monster"
But I'm not.
I'm human
What I tell to everyone else applies to me as well...
I'm a human
And I slip and fall
But I can get back up again a better person.
I can be a better person, I am a better person.
"I don't love you anymore. I just don't."
That's what was in my dream the other night
Something along those lines
I can't remember
But I refuse to forget
I'm talking nonsense now
Trying to escape whatever is in my head
But trying to pull it closer
I-
I don't know
I remember everything
All of the feelings
The amount of self hatred...
Of numbness...
Of that sick and twisted part of me that just didn't care what I wrecked
I wanted it to be done.
I wanted him to leave me alone and so I made him leave me alone.
I didn't care... How could I not care
I care now
I-
I shouldn't be here.
I don't know how to do this
I DONT KNOW OKAY
IM SCARED
THIS IS WHY IM SCARED
BECAUSE I WAS A PERSON WHO COULD DO THAT TO SOMEONE
Because I was someone who could wreck everything around me in a moment and smile.
Because I was awful. And dark. And twisted. And so, so broken.
That's why I'm afraid of myself.
Every time I get angry. Every time I'm too sad. Every time I feel like I'm losing control, I'm so afraid that I'll be that person again
I'm one of the "unlovables" now I suppose
I feel like I'm going to pass out
Is there anyone on this earth who would love someone who would do that to a person?
...Yes.
I would.
Because that's what he did to me.
And I loved him.
And I still love him.
And if he were back right now, that's what I would tell him.
"I forgive you. I love you. Welcome back, it's been too long."
I forgive him.
For everything.
For all of the lies and the manipulation and for telling me that he loved me and then that he didn't. For the anger. For the pain.
I. Forgive. Him.
That's it.
That's the best I can do
In all of my life, that is the best I can do.
That's what I stand for.
I stand for love and I stand for forgiveness.
For the unlovable and for the unforgivable
Happy frรฎking sixteenth birthday, huh
I wish I could be angry.
I really do
But I can't
Because I could say a thousand things to defend myself but it won't change the fact that what I did is wrong.
So I just made Alex cry
Again
I didn't mean to, but I don't know what else to do
She wants me to stay sixth hour but I can't
I can't do it, it's too much
My heart wouldn't be in it anymore, that's not what I want
I left the room and I can hear her laughing with Abby now
I feel dizzy again
And my stomach hurts
Like I'm gonna be sick
I can't do it, I don't know how
I'm not superhuman, I can't deal with this much anymore
Class upon class and people in the hospital and due dates and stress and I have to be at a birthday party but I have so much work to do that every time I try to relax I end up having a panic attack because I'm not doing something
"It's whatever you want"
I wish
I can't do it, and I'm making everyone suffer because I'm just not good enough
If I start crying I'm not going to stop
Lightheaded
I can't feel anything
God help me...
11:45 AM - I made waffles. I'm wondering what kind of toaster waffles she likes.
11:49 AM - I stand on the back porch eating waffles. There's a tree who's branches touch the ground. I can almost see us sitting, laughing at a book. I wonder if she's ever afraid of me.
She's made her choice.
I will live the rest of my life missing you, Argetlam. I will always love you. Always, always, always. I hope you know that.
And I hope you know that whatever happens, you're always welcome in my heart and in my home. I will always run to you with arms wide open. I love you. I love you. Four years and I still love you. Chris and Ivory. Ivory and Chris. Two separate people who gave up being apart to be together. I love that. I love you. All of the role plays and the stories and poems... I love you. I love you now the same as I always have. And if none of it ever matters to you again, I want you to know that it still matters to me. And it always will. And I'll keep it with me forever. And always. I love you.
I'm too afraid to message her.
I miss her
But I don't think she wants me
I don't think she even misses me honestly.. I just-
I wish she did... I'm sorry, Argetlam.. For everything ๐๐น๐
She's not on this app anymore so she won't see anything I'm about to say.
At least not for a long time
But I need a place to say this because it's going to kill me if I don't
I hate myself right now.
I want to scream
And curse
And cut deeper than I ever have.
I want to make more scars.
I want to see the blood on the bathroom floor just like I used to
I want to run to her.
And I want to cry.
I want to cry harder than I ever have in my life
WHY
HOW DID WE END UP LIKE THIS
It's taking everything in me not to beg her to stay
I feel pathetic
How long has it been since she's asked me to stay and here she is telling me she's better off without me and I still want to let my head rest on her and just sob
I NEVER WANTED TO GO
I NEVER WANTED TO SEE HER SAY GOODBYE
I never wanted to be the person who could be left this easily
I never wanted to be someone she's better off without
I was supposed to be her older sister
I was supposed to be the one who never left
I was supposed to be reliable
I was supposed to be home
When did we grow up
I WANT TO SCREAM
I hate myself right now.
More than anything else in this world.
Why can't I let her be
She said she didn't want me.
SHE SAID SO
She said she didn't want to be a Firehart.
She told me to take back my names.
I feel like I'm choking
Why am I this
Why can't I jut let her go
It's obvious she doesn't want me
It's painfully clear
It's so honest and I can't accept it
I asked her to be open with me and she was
She cut me out of her life.
I'm toxic
All of those times that I comforted her and talked to her and loved her
When did I stop?
When did I become... This
I feel like I'm stumbling backwards off a cliff
It's over...
We're over...
I hope she doesn't look back.
I hope she doesn't feel this.
I hope she never reads these.
I'm afraid she'd come back...
I'm afraid she would even though she knows I'd hurt her again... Just like I always have...
I always said Moriarty was the monster...
I'm the monster
Me
I'm the one who hurts her
Who's always busy
Who never let's go...
I-
I hope she doesn't read these...
She said she was deleting the app
What if she does
I'm supposed to send her the necklace
I-
I can't do this..
I can.
I have to.
I'm so sorry...
I'm so sorry for this... Mess
This stupid mess of a person who won't let go
If you do read these... Please don't try to come back because it's what you think I want
Or what I need
I don't want you to come back if you don't love me.
That will hurt more than the separation.
I just wish we could've been better together
But I'd rather you be happy without me than sad with me
And if you think you'll be happier without me. Without "Firehart" or "Argetlam" or any of our jokes or fights or love
If that's what you want then run. Run away from me and from this place faster than you've run from everything before. And when you find what you're looking for, forget me if you need to. If that's what you have to do to get out of this place where you want to die and the scars on your skin run deeper than the love we used to have then forget me and forget us.
Run and don't worry about me.
But if you ever want to knock on my door or message me, I will answer. And I will hug you if that's what you'd like. I'll take you on a Ferris wheel and to watch the stars and I'll write for you like I used to do.
Breathe.
Breathe...
She'll never see anyway..
She'll never know..
*quietly* I love you
Even if I can't say it to you anymore
Even if you're better off never knowing that it do
I'll love you silently
I'm so sorry..
I'm so sorry..
I'm-
I don't have any words left...
The storyteller may have just run out of stories to tell..
Imagine that..
...
Deep breaths, Amrรขl... You'll be alright...
I'll be alright..
....goodnight
Yes, I'm sad. Of course I'm sad, but I'm quietly thankful that if we ended, we ended like that. Clean. Nice. "I hope you're alright. I'll see you again someday."
I'm proud of her. I hope she always fights for what she believes in.
The story of us... What a grand story it is... Pages and pages. A girl on the verge of suรฎcide and a girl who just wanted to help. Determined. Persistent. And all of their lies and falls and plans and highs and lows and inside jokes and "I love you"s. Through the divorce. Through the losses. Through the conversions and changes and the remarriage and custody change. Cigarettes and poems and love and tears and everything that almost tore us apart.
And even though she's let go of my hand, I can still feel her fingers interlocked with mine. The first person I ever held hands with. My first love. I can still feel her fingers in mine and slightly sweaty palms that refuse to break apart because if we weren't touching maybe the dream would fade. I can still feel her body next to mine... Her breathing.. Her heartbeat.. Everything I'd ever wanted in those sparkling eyes.
I'll always still feel her. In my darkest moments, I'll feel her fingers under my chin and her quiet, deafening persistence that I keep breathing. I'll feel her always. I'll draw on her strength always.
And I hope that maybe one day- One day when she's backed into a corner with tears on her cheeks and no way out she'll remember me and my words and the strength we shared. And I hope that she'll close her eyes and remember my voice and my hands and the way it felt when I kissed her cheek.
And I hope she remembers that she can do anything. And that I'm proud of her. And that I'm still fighting for her- Even if it's not by her side.
My lovely, lovely Argetlam... The bright red rose in my soul... I'm so proud of us. I'm so, so proud of us.
Goodnight, Ivory Firehart. I love you. I hope I've showed that throughout these four years. I love you. I love you. I love you. I'll see ya soon, eh? ๐๐๐๐น Don't forget to look at the stars for me. Don't forget to keep believing. Don't forget to have good dreams. Goodnight, my lovely Argetlam... Goodnight. ๐๐น
1100... The number I'll end on. Goodnight, Liam. Goodnight, Gina. Goodnight, Firestar. Goodnight, Isabelle. Goodnight, Nessa. Goodnight, Samantha... Goodnight, Pic Collage. Goodnight. I wish you all the best this life has to offer.
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