hOLY

i just shivered

re// eee i try to be as friendly as possible because a few kind words can make someone’s day

daddy af

haha its so old oml

yeah pc is dumb i tried to post the pic of the gurl w the red hair separately FOUR TIMES and it didnt let me so i just gave up

I know some places are really áśs about being punctual, I’m sorry they haven’t called back yet 😞 but girl you’ll look amazing in a dress, you’re so beautiful

you’re beautiful no matter what size you’re currently at ❤️❤️❤️ for real. if it does bother you a lot about tighter dresses, you could always do a ball gown that hugs at the top and then fluffs a little. I found my prom dress at my school for free (some gals donated) and my military ball dress at goodwill, both super nice and expensive originally. I wish I had a photo of my military ball one, it’s the same fit as my wedding dress lol

Yeah, I know for a few weeks through the phone I couldn’t speak much bc I was so stressed and didn’t want to worry him. Most of my panic attacks have been reduced to crying and frustration so it’s hard for people to tell when I’m severely upset; I have to make an effort to explain how I’m feeling. I told him I don’t want to be a single mom while he’s off in an active war zone and he said it’s a very real possibility and I just kinda though “f you” lol, “why are you doing this to me”. it’s not worth it to go through all this for benefits. I don’t care what he thinks, if he wants kids then we’re having them when he’s off active duty. That doesn’t mean he has to retire. But guys sometimes fall into the “I’m the breadwinner” and forget “I’m the dad” too and I’m afraid he’ll do that leaving me to suss out my problems. I know for a fact I feel as alone as he does but I have therapy and I talk a lot on here so it helps me. I’m that for him. I want a music career so bad, I can’t stand it. I want to mean something and not be just a military spouse. I’ll probably work in a daycare/youth program director when I move to Montana because that pays the most and I’m good with children/babysitting. but it’ll be 4 years still until I get a bachelor’s and my online college doesn’t have music courses since it’s online, not even music theory. knowing Tyler never went to college gives me a lot of hope bc they just persevered. I know I’m not perfect with singing or what I record bc sometimes I get lazier or rush if I’m too excited but I know I can sing, I know I can make music and I’ve been doing it so long that I don’t want to give up on it. if I were a successful musician we’d be separated and that’s the sad thing; if I ever get a chance to become successful, a real opening, it won’t be an easy decision even though he’s made this decision for me already. I actually used to want to be a detective or CSI so I understand having that interest. I realized I was good at writing so I’ve focused on that instead but I still wouldn’t mind that job. it’s hard when both people in the relationship are stubborn, neither are passive about living a simple life with a simple dead end career 😅😅 idk we’re both really depressed and trying not to off ourselves rn

he’s said before that I could go through basic training and have a lower ranking job around a base to make it easier but- they would NOT let me in with the scars I have and you have to be off psychiatric meds for five years total. I’m sure if my psychiatrist ever officially gives me the bipolar diagnosis, that’ll be the nail in the coffin. Tristin was never perfect mentally to begin with but it’s because of stress, he’s not predisposed to violent outbursts or suicidal thoughts, overwhelming anxiety, bedridden depression, or self destructive tendencies. and I’m a lot better but the longer I’m apart from him the more scared I get. I start to forget why I’m putting up with all of this. visiting him was really a necessity for me mentally

sorry that’s a lot of typing I’m just super depressed lol. I see my therapist Thursday so imma be ranting like h e c k

the plus is we get to travel and if worst comes to worst, I’ll travel in my younger years and pursue music in my older. I can’t imagine what arguments people in relationships as touring artists go through; the “when do we have kids” conversation is brutal in terms of “I’ll have to give up a lot of things for years” and “we said from the start we wanted kids, why don’t you want to do this, why can’t you put us before the music?”