thank you guys for the kind words on my post about James and i. it’s actually gotten worse since then. we stayed up on facetime until four in the morning crying together. he’s so mad at himself for not showing me enough love he threw his phone down and started yelling at himself and kept hitting his bed and threw his pillow across the room and it scared me so bad, i’ve never seen him like that. i know he’s had anger issues before and will eventually hit himself if he gets mad enough but i’ve never witnessed it because he doesn’t do it around me because he doesn’t ever want me to see it. usually he’ll hang up if he needs to do that but he didn’t this time and ahh. it really scared me i couldn’t stop shaking afterwards. then ofc he felt worse for making me shake and i tried to relax my muscles and i let go of everything too fast and my blood rushed to my head and my chest got extremely tight and i almost passed out. then i started getting upset and crying and getting mad telling him i can’t keep overcompensating my love for him just to make me feel something, we have to meet halfway. i can’t keep meeting him over where he is. then my dad came into my room to bring my cat in (it was 1 in the morning by this point) and i hung up on James and my dad wanted to know what was wrong. i just cried to my dad and explained everything and my dad is such a great listener and so great at giving advice. we talked for thirty minutes and he left and i was able to call James back. my dad was telling me we’ve probably been spending too much time together recently and it’s healthy to have space and i didn’t want to believe him but i knew it was true. i’ve been asking James a lot recently if he thinks we’re hanging out too much and he always says no but i’ve been able to tell when he’s lying, i just haven’t been calling him out on it. so i called James back and was very calm with him and apologized for me overreacting and i can’t change the way that he is, we’re just different. then whatever happened next is a blur, but then i asked him if i has been doing anything that had been upsetting him since i had been pointing out stuff about him recently i didn’t think it was fair, i wanted him to be open too. he started getting really upset again and i could see him tearing up and i was crying and kept saying “just tell me” and he kept shaking his head no and i can’t even describe the pain in his face and eyes. he just didn’t want to hurt my feelings because he cares about me so much but i was finally able to get it out of him. he said he agreed he thought that we were hanging out too much. ofc that hurts me because if i could spend everyday for the rest of my life with him i would. and he wouldn’t. and idk it’s just tough to deal with in my head. but again we’re different people. but then i felt bad because he ofc had to have been feeling that the past few times we’ve been hanging out and i feel awful about that. then he said the reason he’s been different and not as loving and talking different when we text or call lately is because he says i’m too much when it comes to our issues and especially about him and he was afraid of accidentally starting something and have me make everything a big deal again. and i said “is that really why you’ve been treating me different?” and he nodded his head yes and i dropped my phone and started sobbing. i’m everything i’ve always been afraid of being to him. over reactive and too much. at one point i became terrified because i thought he was going to break up with me or say we needed a break, because i asked him what he was thinking and he kept biting his lip and shaking his head no and fidgeting and getting angry again while his eyes welled with tears and i was asking if it was bad and i would see his face change and then i almost threw up because i thought he was going to break up with me. thank god that wasn’t it, he just didn’t want to hurt my feelings by telling me what i do that bothers him. so he told me he doesn’t want us texting about any conflicts we have anymore because i make everything such a big deal and he wants us to call about it instead. he also said it’s hard because i want to work through everything and he doesn’t want to talk about everything all the time. i had never known that until last night. our one year is in two weeks and i have never known he doesn’t want to talk about stuff, he just goes along with it because of me. then my phone ended up dying in the middle so we texted for a while and i slept in until 1:20 in the afternoon and he had to get up early at 9 and ever since then we’ve still been texting about how we’re feeling. he feels absolutely awful and so do i but he says there’s nothing for me to apologize for even though i’m still going to anyways. but i was absolutely crushed by him telling me i was too much last night. idk when i’ll get over that. but thankfully we have no plans of breaking up, we both made that clear. but he did suggest that if he makes my self confidence get knocked down again by the too much thing he wants me to think about taking a break so i can work on my self love. i don’t think it’ll be necessary since i’ve been so much more confident in myself recently, but yeah it dropped down super low last night since i realized i’m everything i was terrified of being.

it dropped down super low last night since i realized i’m everything i was terrified of being.

we had plans to hang out either tomorrow afternoon or Sunday but i really don’t think that’s gonna happen anymore. we’ll see what ends up happening. just if i’m bad at being on here again i’m sorry. i’m just trying to get through everything without crashing and burning. i love you all so much, i don’t expect you to read all of this but if you did i appreciate y’all being here for me. Emma and James are all i have and when Emma’s away at college and i have problems with James, i always come to you guys so thank you 💕

Oh Amber I'm so so sorry ❤️ if you want to talk you can message me on instagram any time

I can't even imagine how hard that was to hear. I wish he had been able to tell you in a kinder way, or at least sooner before it caused so much damage. It's hard when you love someone because you don't want to hurt them, even if it's by saying things you know they don't want to hear. It sounds like you guys really had a breakthrough, and as painful as it was, it means he's finally communicating unsaid things. And it's so awful right now, I know, but this will make you guys stronger in the long run. And it's not your fault he never told you before. We love you Amber, and I really mean it that you can message me any time you need someone to talk to

But I really do mean it that working through the really miserable stuff is what makes your relationship strong in the long run. If it was never hard, it wouldn't mean anything, even if it's going to take a really long time to feel okay again

aw i’m so sorry that happened. I know you both love each other so i’m sure everything will turn out fine, even if you’re both in pain right now. you’re amazing and i’m here for you 💗

I’m sorry y’all had such a bad argument. I’m glad that y’all were able to talk openly even though it hurts because getting it out of the way will prevent further worse hurt. He really should’ve been more open about how he was feeling instead of waiting a year to tell you but boys just really like to do that stuff to us oof. I remember the times where Tristin thought I was being too much, which usually was his own fault because he sparked me into a self destructive or depressed state. It still hurts but I try to think about how guys handle and process things different. They aren’t quite as good at solving conflicts quickly so that the both can move on, since they internalize so much and aren’t as equipped to talk about their emotions. Sometimes they feel like we’re too much because they’ve already held in so much and haven’t solved their own problems so even small things we deal with can feel like too much when it’s normally not to other people. The sooner guys realize that solving conflicts quickly will better the relationship as a whole, the sooner things get better. I’m glad he finally opened up but I don’t want you to think that you’ve definitely been too much or anything. Being afraid of conflicts and not talking about emotions or thoughts is a true guy thing. couples Therapy super duper helps with explaining to guys how girls function and visa versus, but specific to the couple of course. Maybe when y’all get older y’all could do something like that because it’s👌🏻👌🏻👌🏻👌🏻. They usually suggest ways to accommodate and communicate with each other in different ways. One thing I’m asking tristin is that when he’s feeling a strong emotion to write it down because he forgets and then it all dredges up later. I also ask him to be honest in the moment with how he’s feeling whether he knows why or not. With me I ask him to stop gaslighting and to let me get out my frustrations/argue in the moment because he wants to avoid the conflicts until it’s built up inside of me and I explode and rip up his pillow case 😂😅 But things will get more comfortable with space and being together after another year probably. I’m comfortable spending time with tristin and we both know when we need a break. but also I let him know when I’m lonely and he does too. I know he was the only good thing in my life during that first year so I was afraid of being without him, and now I’m learning that I can love living my life and love living a life with him at the same time, we can be together but independent and my happiness doesn’t only rest on him anymore. I’ve found other things within myself and others to keep me going. it took a long time for that tho and having 6 months apart made me appreciate my time alone. I just hope things continue to get better for you two because you both deserve the best and gosh darn it if he ain’t treating you right and he needs a talking to lemme know cos I will DM his 🅰️ss 😤