it’s me…

O

if you’re here to tell me off i already know. okay? i already know ima heartless pathetic 19 year old bitxh hxe. i’ve heard it all already .

bc idk i’m stupid. okay? we all know i’m stupid. and “he” was a girl . “he’s” fake .

and i didn’t want to be hit again so i did what i thought he’d want me to do or want to hear so that i don’t get hit but i should’ve just blocked “him” in the first place

idk. i’m too tired and in pain to remember.

what did u say the whole time … ?

I’m sorry. like i told my friend Oakley, i self sabotage everything good i have . been doing it since my dad passed . i’m so scared that if i get too attached the person is either gonna leave or die right in front of me. everytime i close my eyes i still have flashbacks of my dad getting shot right in front of me and that’s all i can even think about half the time. i haven’t been truly myself since he passed and i don’t expect anyone to understand and it’s not an excuse i know i’m just explaining myself .

i’m sorry i hurt you and i get it if you hxte me. but you don’t have to worry about me ruining u or anyone else’s life anymore okay? cuz i’ll be dead soon anyway. i finally found a good doctor who was able to diagnose me with a rare heart condition that no doctor has been able to find before. i have Long QT syndrome and they can’t find a healthy donor. and since i can’t see jh anymore there’s nothing really to live for. so i signed a do-not-resuscitate order. i’m leaving pc and nick is going with me so he can be with me until i pass.

but a few questions before I leave. did you mean what you said? do u think i’m truly a hxe? and pathetic, and heartless?

I thought u didn’t want me saying a word to him.. -looks at him bursting into tears waiting for permission to go hug him-

okay. i’m sorry.

runs and picks him up holding him tight as i cry silently closing my eyes not letting go of him- BUBBA

holds him hard still then kisses his little head over and over - mommy loves you. so much. okay? never forget that. but mommy has to go now. and she probably won’t get to see you again okay? so u have to be strong and keep your sissys protected and make sure daddy is happy okay? can u do that for me bubs?

looks down at him- there’s no making mommy feel better okay? so i want you to be happy and live without me okay? mommy did some bad things and you’re gonna have a new mommy soon i’m sure. so behave for her okay?

no you’re not bad, mommy is bad -nods and rubs his head gently tearing up again and closes my eyes- mommy has to go now … goodbye son. ily so so much .

no bubba i have to go and u have to go with daddy

u can’t stay with me daddy wouldn’t allow that bubba but i’ll be okay it’s gonna be okay