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you're better off without me and I never said you meant nothing or you were a monster or everything you did meant nothing
because you're my world and you're my hero and everything you've ever done for me I am more than grateful for
I love you.
the fights were always my fault, you know that, right?
I always started them
Chris I'm so sorry
this is all my fault...
I-
I just miss you so much..
and I'm just jealous..
and I turn missing you and jealousy into anger and fear and it kinda comes out as hate and I'm so sorry, my love...
I'll go before I fxck something else up...
goodnight, my beautiful Amrâl..
"This won't last forever.. it's just another night."
It's currently 3:32AM
I'm not tired at all
I haven't gotten any sleep at all
I'm pretty sure I have insomnia
but whatever
3:33
I always wish on times like this (1:11, 2:22, etc)
so I wish tonight that Chris is okay and that she'll be happy tomorrow..😌💙
I really hope my mother lets me stay home tomorrow
or today lol
there's no way I'll get through the day if I got absolutely no sleep
sigh
I hate this
I haven't actually gotten sleep for like a week
the longest time I slept last week was literally two hours
and I'm not sure what to do
'cause I could kinda die from sleep deprivation
but whatever
I dunno what to do so...
I'm so done
so tired
today has been exhausting
I don't want to go to my dad's house
I wanna stay here
with my mom
and hang out with Jason
and Sammy
but no I have to spend an entire week with my fxcking father
I have to leave in like 15 minutes
ugh
I just wanna sleep
and never wake up
I guess I have to go now though
cuz I'm still not ready
so
talk to you later then, Jess..
bye
I actually thought she wouldn't leave
I literally believed it when she said in three years she'd take me away from here
I fxcking trusted her when she said she'd never say goodbye
now I have no one.
yes I have Samantha
but that isn't what I mean
I needed her. I wanted my big sister, my best friend back.
But she told me goodbye and threw me away like three years is nothing
I have every right to say this
I have every right to be hella hurt
"Farewell"
that's just as hurtful, if not more, than saying goodbye.
She does not understand how hard this is.
She has no idea..
she doesn't understand how much I need her. she has no idea
there's no one to stop me now..
she knows exactly what I mean too..
fxck, I'm crying again..
so- uh.. hi, again...
I- I just need to talk to someone...
even if you don't answer...
I should be happy, right?..
I'm still happy.. but-..
I just wish I could've stayed there and sang my heart out just a little more..
when people say "it's just music" it hurts a lot
because it isn't "just music"...
for one thing, "it's rock music.. it was made to move you and speak to you. mentally, physically, and even spiritually.." -shinedown
I was just so happy and into it and I still don't have my voice back because I lost it screaming and singing along as loud as I possibly could all night long
Ivan, Nikki, Jeremy.. all of them. they were all so amazing
that was my very first concert, actually. and it was one helluva time
the best time, actually
but now I'm just feeling sorry for myself, right?
always wanting more
but it's more than that
I don't know exactly what it is, but I'm not being selfish or greedy. I don't want more. I just wish I could've stayed..
I'm just bothering you. this was pointless coming here
I really just want to die
I literally just want to lay here and die
just fall asleep and never wake up
I- I'm just really sad....
oh, I'm so fxcking done
I'm such an idiot
why-
fxcking Christ
I'm gonna start crying
I'm sorry
I'm sorry for not being able to make a promise like that
I'm sorry for failing you
I'm sorry for being sad
I'm sorry for being a disappointment
I'm sorry if I don't live to see my birthday
I'm sorry if I don't live to see next summer
I'm sorry if I don't live to see your gift for me
I'm sorry if I don't live to go to the fair again next year
I'm sorry if I fail you
again
Chris..
I'm sorry
I love you
and it hurts my heart every time you leave. I miss you so much
And you don't want me. Because if you wanted me, you would've stayed with me instead of saying goodbye. You would've given me a fxcking chance when I told you I was in love with you. Or at least tell me you were straight to start with, instead of telling me you were "possibly bi"...But you didn't. You don't want me as much as you say you do.
what the fxck is wrong with me
I'm beyond just disappointed in myself
I hate myself for tonight
I fxcking hate myself
I'm so sorry
I'm very sorry
I can't believe myself.
I can't believe I did that
I really am a hurricane..
I miss him..
so much..
it hurts..
I loved him
so much
I still love him
I fxcking hate myself for it
because he wasn't good to Chris
it's just lonely without him
because he was.. just amazing.. to me
I want to die just so I can see him again
tell him sorry for not being able to save him
tell him I love him
tell him I missed him so much
tell him I'm so sorry for saying no
tell him how much he means to me
I just wanna die.. just to see him again
"For when he died, he took a part of you..."
I'll see you soon, Liam. You too, Jess. I promise. I love you guys.
Maybe just not today.. 😔💙
"I'm scared to get close, and I hate being alone...
I long for that feeling to not feel at all..
the higher I'll get, the lower I'll sink..
I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim."
I smile for a while, but then I'm sad again
I should stop thinking
I shouldn't be thinking about this again.
I fxcking can't do this
I can't just stop thinking
for fxck's sake.
I'm so tired
I'm tired of thinking about this
it needs to go away
or I'll make it go away.
I'm just tired...
I've broken down again
I've failed again..
I-
my heart hurts..
I just got to read her comments..
I- I don't know what happened.. what happened three hours ago?...
I can't remember..
I- I just..
please, god tell me she didn't relapse..
please..
it's all my fault..
I- I'm not enough to save anyone..
it's never enough..
I'm so sorry..
I'm a fxck up..
I'm going to go cry again..
because I'm so useless I can't do anything but hurt people and leave and make them feel bad
I'm trouble
I'm a heartbreak
I am the storm.
I'm a hurricane
a nasty, horrifying storm
I'm a broken record
I'm no help
I'm just someone that remembers too much and tries to forget it all at the same time
I'm the overthinker
I'm the liar
the addict
the drunk
the suicídal bxtch
the one that lies about being "okay"
the one trying to help, but always ends up failing
I'm nothing but trouble and bad luck
I'm terribly sorry
my chest is empty and my heart is crying out in pain
I'm crying
Liam is on my mind
Robbie and Johnnie are on my mind
I can't get them out..
help me..
why can't anyone help me..
on top of all this..
that thing I mentioned earlier to Chris is still on my mind
the thing where I said that she couldn't be what I needed..
I- I though she'd be able to figure it out..
I guess not..
I-
I'm so weak..
goodnight, beautiful....
I'm crying again..
and I cut again
I'm sorry...
I'm just so scared..
oh, of course I blame myself..
it's all my fault
I'm so sorry..
198
I should've kept going
not just on my thighs and hips
but on my fùcking wrists too
I was already breaking down
before I literally went to Liam for help
then we "talked"
and after he said what he said to me..
I just wanted to die
I still want to
I literally fùcking went to Liam
a dead person
but he exists
I swear if anyone wants to tell me he never did, then I'm sorry but you can't convince me
but I literally went to a dead person for help
because no one else was there for me
and he helped
for a bit
but something must've happened
because someone else started talking to me
through the board
and my necklace
and it wasn't Liam
it was being really mean
and angry
I said goodbye to it and broke my necklace
then I felt someone touch me
my shoulder
my left shoulder
it was so weird
no one else was around me
except Liam
he didn't leave me
and I think that's what scared me half to death
and made me cut
because he's already left me
but yet he sticks around whenever I say goodbye to him
it brought back old memories and things I should've said
I'm done.
Fúck this
Fúck living
Fúck sticking around for someone who doesn't want you here
Fúck doing what people want me to
Fúck what you want me to be.
Fúck your beliefs and your hate
Fúck being "enough" for someone
Fúck sleeping
Fúck who you think I am
Fúck feelings
Fúck your gøddamn lies.
Fúck love.
It's fúcking stupid.
"I'd rather hate you for everything you are than ever love you for something you are not. I'd rather you hate me for everything I am, than have you love me for something that I can't."
I want to kill myself.. end everything..
she has Alex.. and Kara.. and Claud.. and a lot of other friends..
she doesn't need me
I'm just so tired..
worthless piece of shît.
I'm just so tired
and so sorry
I've broken down again
I need to smoke
something other than a cigarette though..
I just need to smoke
maybe I'll take a few hits off the marijuana I have..
it's all my fault
I'm sorry.
"you turned your back on tomorrow, 'cause you forgot yesterday."
11:55PM
I can't fxcking sleep
but of course I can't
when I'm under this much stress and anxiety and fear...
I can't sleep whatsoever
but that's fine
I'll just- fall asleep around two maybe four in the morning..
after getting drunk
and possibly high
I'll be fine.
well- I have to go now. there's a bottle of vodka and orange juice I need to drink
so.. talk to you soon, love
goodnight, beautiful. (11:59PM)
"I will never be what you want me to..."
disappointment.
that's what I am
I'm so sad..
and scared...
I'm crying again
I'm so happy
I'm slightly lonely
but I'm happy
she makes me so happy.
Chris is the best
I believe you're watching over me somehow. I bet you can see how happy I am whenever Chris and I talk
oh, Jess.. how I can't wait for next year
Chris and I will be able to actually hang out sometimes
she'll be able to drive when she's sixteen..
I can't wait
it makes me so happy
I actually just woke up from a dream..
that's one reason why I'm happy
the dream was about Chris and I
we were in a motel together
cuddling
asleep while cheesy Christmas movies were flashing on the tv
it made me so happy
I love you, Chris
I love you, Jess
I hope you both sleep well. 😌💙💕
goodnight 😘🌹
I'm crying
my chest literally hurts
I can barely see what I'm typing
I've smoked around six or seven cigarettes tonight
and I couldn't fxcking care less about my health at this point
I just want to disappear
no one wants me here
everyone's leaving
it's just a matter of time before I've lost everything and everyone.
so, right now, I'm gonna leave. because I'm absolutely done with this and the only thing I can think of doing is smoking and scratching myself until I fxcking bleed.
don't be surprised if I'm not fxcking back by tomorrow.
I relapsed again last night
around one in the morning
I woke up from another nightmare
I've been having so many lately...
the nightmare- it was about... Chris and I...
and Liam..
Chris and I were in California, and it was nighttime.. we had fallen asleep on the couch watching a movie.. and I heard our bathroom door open- Liam walked out. his wrists were covered in cuts and they were all bleeding really, really bad..
he came over to me and he was crying.. he had a bruise around his neck like he tried to hang himself... and he hugged me..
then Chris woke up and screamed at Liam and ran into the bathroom and locked the door..
I tried to open the door but it was too late.. she cut so deep that she passed out.
Liam was still crying and bleeding.. Chris was dying.. it was all my fault
some voice at the back of my head during the dream kept yelling saying "it's your fault. it's all your fault."
it was a vivid dream too..
I just want to die..
1:31am
my thoughts are scaring me
"Chris isn't coming back" "She hates you. Just like she should." "Just like Liam, right? Remember him?" "She'll never love you the way you want her to." "You want more than best friends but she'll never be more than your best friend. Remember that." "Think of those things every day. Break yourself. Hurt yourself. You aren't worth it."
"You aren't what she wants." "She wants someone trustworthy and lovable." "She wants a guy, not a girl. Why can't you be a guy like you want to be, hmm? Ivory. The girl who just wanted to be enough. The girl who wanted to be a guy." "But you failed, right? As always. You aren't a boy. As much as you want to be. You're a girl." "She doesn't like you when you're Andy. Remember that she doesn't want you to be who you want to be. So you have to be what she wants. Or you'll lose her."
"Remember that word she said to you before?" "What was that word, Ivory?" "Goodbye." "Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye." "She's going to say it again. Soon."
oh, that's right. I can't fxcking sleep when I feel like I need to throw up
I'm just so frustrated..
and cold..
and sad...
I just want sleep...
I just want someone to cuddle with..
but I can't have that..
so I'm alone, and it's cold as fxck...
I thought I'd be happy today..
but, no, today's just another day where I want to take one too many sleeping pills..
what if she changes her mind
she doesn't want to take me
what if she chooses Kara or Claud or Alex or someone else over me
I wouldn't blame her- but..
I'm not what she wanted..
Kat, Liam, Jess, Amber..
Robbie, Johnnie, Josh...
Philip..
why did you all leave me
I know why Kat did. She wasn't real.
But everyone else
I don't understand
Am I supposed to be this way?
Alone and crying? Miserable because all I want is someone that'll stick with me..
Broken because everyone decided I wasn't enough to make them stay?
Torn to pieces because of how many times I've been snagged by another soul.. only to be caught up in them.. even after they leave
Breaking down in tears every time I think of their dámñed faces..
Constantly having false hope that they'll come back some day..
No one in my life has ever stuck with me
Everyone has taken a "break" from me or just flat out left
Every. Last. One.
And it hurts
Because once upon a time, they all told me they'd never leave
I should've laughed and told them not to lie to me.
I'm not worth it, I'm not special.
I'm obviously not the type of person someone would stick around for
I'm someone- temporary. For everyone else
I'm the person they don't care about
They act like it, but then they overdose or cut too deep or do other things to die..
they all left me
one way or another, they're all gone
and they're never coming back
Well, alright.. Liam is still here with me. But everyone else doesn't even want to stick around when they're dead
I just want to die
be with Liam..
because no one else wants me here
Chris might say she does..
but she has so much more than I do..
she has friends and family that actually love her
she could love and travel with someone so much better
she'd forget me..
she wouldn't have to worry about me anymore
I'm just-
I'm sorry...
you know, the sad thing is that it's all my fault that they're gone
they're gone because I couldn't save them
I'm so sorry..
I'm not enough for anyone to stay..
not strong enough..
"time to say it.. goodbye, goodbye..."
Rise by Sixx:a.m.
Footsteps by Pop Evil
Remember Everything by Five Finger Death Punch (FFDP)
Never Enough by FFDP
Photograph by Nickleback
Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen
Walking Disaster by Sum 41
We Will Not Go Quietly by Sixx:a.m.
Bad Company by FFDP
"I drink too much, and that's an issue.... but I'm okay.."
I'm always "okay"
I'm always "fine"..
and it seems like they always believe it
I'm always faking
I just don't want to be here anymore
it sucks
but I have to stay
because, of course, I just had to make a promise
I was so, so happy earlier..
At Greg, Steve and Joey's house..
We are chili and fries and apple pie and chocolate pie..
then we all took turns playing with their virtual reality sets..
we laughed and watched YouTube together
Greg and I snuggled and fell asleep..
I had so much fun..
I was so happy..
but- then we left..
and the loneliness sets in.. and I think about how I'm alone, and I'm getting lonelier and lonelier..
Jason's leaving soon
but I can't stop it
I want him to stay..
but he can't..
it hurts so much, Jess..
all alone..
either I have to leave or someone leaves me..
I always end up here
sitting in my room, tears streaming down my face, my throat hurts from holding in my sobs...
I'm so tired, Jess..
I'm so tired of people leaving and me being alone
or just ending up alone in general
I love Greg, Steve and Joey. I know they'll never leave me. Their home is my home more than any other place there is..
it hurts because everyone else has either left for good or has tried to leave..
but not them
they'll never do that..
Greg told me tonight that I'm not alone, and that his home, wherever it might be, it's my home too
it made me cry
because him and Steve and Joey are so fxcking nice to me
the three of them are such sweethearts
tonight was a happy night
except for when I had to go
and thought about Jason
it hurts so much, Jess.. I can't handle it
I've been crying so hard it feels like someone is wrapping their hands around my neck and literally squeezing the breath out of me
"I don't wanna die.. sometimes wish I'd never been born at all.."
breaking down in tears is just the best.. isn't it...
I'm so fxcking done..
people always leaving me..
and yet I can't leave
because two words and one person are keeping me here
I said "I promise" to Chris
I'm not worth it..
why the fxck can't I just go..
my heart can't take it anymore..
it won't get better. people need to stop telling me that
it'll only get worse if I stay alive..
I just-
I'm not a hero...
not someone important..
not special...
just someone you can't trust..
someone you can't love..
someone you cant get close to..
someone who doesn't deserve someone as amazing as Chris..
"Kiss me under the light of thousand stars..."
I've fxcked it up
crying as I'm listening to love songs.
I'm sorry
I messed it up
it's my fault
"We keep this love in a photograph.. we make these memories for ourselves..."
I'm such a mess..
broken mess..
I feel like I need to throw up..
my chest hurts
my throat hurts
my stomach hurts
my hands are shaking
I can't stop crying..
I can't take this much longer..
I'm gonna snap..
and I'm gonna die..
I'm so sorry...
I'm emotionally unstable
mentally insane
fxcked up in the head
monster
heartbreaker
hurricane.
I'm sorry
for everything
I'm broken
terrified
hurt
tired
I just want it all to be over
1:23am, Syd is asleep, I'm basically alone.. my mom literally bought new razors today...
I've warned Chris... I break promises..
I- I'm sorry... this is just who I am, Chris..
I'm so sorry you have to deal with me..
I don't deserve to live, Chris.. I've done awful things...
and- and they're things I haven't even told you..
because if I told you, you'd be horrified and terrified of me..
I- I need to stop now..
so long and goodnight...
I'm so sorry...
Matthew just left
I love him..
no.
no I don't.
he's my friend.
but- he kissed me..
he's fifteen.. and good lord, he's so beautiful..
no. I need to stop.
I-
I just..
I'm so tired
I'm done
I'm done loving people
done caring.
everyone leaves
breaks my heart
lies
emotionally abuses me
mentally abuses me
even fxcking physically abuses me
so I'm done.
sick and tired
no more of it.
I'll completely shut my emotions down
shut myself up
keep quiet from now on
Just like Harley Quinn did about The Joker...
She purposely did that to me.
She purposely pressured me into a relationship with her after knowing full well that I am not only emotionally abused and tired, but also mentally and physically
She hurt me on purpose.
My chest hurts
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
YOU ALMOST MADE HER CRY
SHE HAD TEARS IN HER EYES
AND ALL YOU SAY IS GOODNIGHT?
Such a great friend you are
My heart hurts.. and I can barely fxcking breathe
This is what I do..
Hurt people. Scare people. Break promises to people.
I can't make promises anymore.
BECAUSE ALL I DO IS BREAK THEM.
I FAILED. AGAIN.
THE ONE JOB I HAD. AND I FAILED IT.
IM SUPPOSED TO BE HERE. BUT IM LITERALLY SO FXCKING BAD THAT I CANT PROMISE THAT.
I fxcked up.
I-
I made her cry..
I made Chris cry....
I'm such a horrible person..
I'm-
I can't..
how do I sleep at night..
I'm disgusting. I'm horrible. Terrible.
I made her cry.. I'm supposed to make her fùckíng happy
but I made her cry
I'm sorry...
I'm not worth it.. I'm not worth it...
I'm no good..
She doesn't understand
I'm broken..
and it isn't her fault...
but I can't trust anyone anymore...
I can't promise anyone anything..
I-
WHY CANT I JUST DIE
JUST DIE. GO. LEAVE.
NO ONE NEEDS YOU HERE.
JUST STOP TRYING.
I don't deserve this.
I don't.. I don't deserve anything...
No one needs me.
why why why why why
Why did I get rid of that razor
WHY
I'm an idiot.
I just want a fxcking blade
so I was looking for a blade
I found a fxcking knife.
with "Winchester" written on the blade.
and guess what I did with that knife?
"I don't want to hurt you"
"I bet you I will"
Please just give me a chance, Kaylae..
the only reason it hurts is because you told me you really liked me, but then tell me that you don't wanna hurt me
I'm an idiot
I just give up
it hurts
it really does
I'm stupid
I'm done
lmaø I don't even care anymore
if they wanna be awful they can be
fxck them.
I'm honestly happy right now and could care less what they say
I haven't slept at all in the past three days
the longest I've slept in the past three days is maybe two hours
like all together
oh well
Someone hacked my insta and changed the password. yay
I'm really depressed and I don't have the motivation to eat, drink or even get up to go to the bathroom
I'm gonna go though
bye 😣
one of them said that I wasn't going to the fair.. and that I didn't tell Chris yet...
and.. um...
I'm.. I'm not sure if that's true or not..
I have reasons to say that though..
"They don't need to understand..."
"Is someone gonna stop me? This could be my last mistake... put the gun down. Just put the gun down, down..."
"I just paint it black.. like starting over.. every time I lose a fight, and I'm dying to be right.. I just paint it black, so you remember this won't last forever..... it's just another night.."
The more time I spend with Jason it's almost like I miss him even more
I want to make these very last few days with him some of the best
But.. I- I don't know how..
My heart hurts because I'm so, so sad
My heart speeds up whenever I think about him leaving.
It scares me..
why..
why does everyone leave....?
I'm so sorry if I did something
I know it's extremely idiotic and selfish and stupid of me to blame this one on myself.
Because I know exactly why he's leaving
I hate it
I fxckin love him
so much
I just.. I don't know...
I'm just angry at myself..
I'm not gonna be in any kind of "good mood" for quite a while after he leaves...
I need to stop talking about this.
It hurts too much.
I-
he's gone...
I just gave him one last hug..
and said goodbye...
I- I just..
he can't leave..
I want to run after him.. and tell him not to go..
I was the last one to give him a hug- and..
that's when he started crying.. when I gave him a hug..
now I'm crying..
it just hurts..
he- uh.. he told me he's gonna miss me.. and that he loves me very much..
when I let go of him, he took my hand and said "I'll see you soon. I love you." and.. I just had tears in my eyes when I told him I love him too..
it hurts, Jess
I love him so much
I wish-
I wish he didn't have to go..
I accidentally left his hat at my mum's house.. so now for two weeks I won't have anything to remind me of him..
except the ring he gave me
I don't think I'm gonna be happy for a while, Jess..
this has really broken me..
I don't want a birthday.. I don't want a party or presents or anything..
all I want for my birthday is for Jason to be here..
but that won't happen.. so-...
I've never liked my birthday.. but the fact that J won't be here for it..
just makes me hate my birthday even more
"It's hard to hear your name when I haven't seen you in so long..."
"If what we had was real, how could you be fine? 'Cause I'm not fine at all!"
I'm not fine at all...
and.. I really won't be..
for a while..
IT FXCKING HURTS JESS
WHY DOES EVERYONE LEAVE?
I'm sorry
I've given up
I might not want to live to see my birthday.
What is it now? Five days away?
I might never see it.
Because I don't want to.
I can't do this anymore..
I give up.
I'm done trying.
I'll go to hxll. If it even exists.
Probably a lot better than this earth anyway.
Whatever.
Screw this.
Screw everything.
Fxck everyone.
"So you can keep me inside the pocket of your ripped jeans... holdin' me closer 'til our eyes meet... and you won't ever be alone. Wait for me to come home."
"You can throw me to the wolves, 'cause tomorrow I will come back. Leader of the whole pack. Beat me black and blue! Every wound will shape me and every scar will build my throne!"
I hate myself and everything I've become
and everything I've yet to be.
I got stoned earlier so pardon me if I get off track
I'm usually really sad but chill when I'm high so
but then the high wears off I'm just aggressively depressed. if that makes sense
like I'm really angry but still depressed
because the high is gone and I'm back to my normal self.
I'm just.. so sad
I was really hoping to go to Florida for my birthday..
I mean.. I know it was just an idea and all but I got really excited about going to my mum's on Saturday night and staying in Florida until Monday..
that would've been the best birthday ever.
but other than going to Florida it would also be awesome to go see Chris for my birthday
but I doubt her parents would ever allow it
so just forget that idea, Andy..
I guess I'm just someone else that always leaves now
always wants to leave, I suppose?
Yeah. Alright. Whatever.
okay, then
"I'm just a depressed mess with broken dreams and false hope and bleeding wrists."
Fxck you.
I know I'm sad
I should just go cut
I should've died last night
"Oh, baby, you should go and fúck yourself."
I'm so tired of this.
I'm so done.
I'm going.
I'm leaving.
I'm so fxcking tired
I just want to die
there's sleeping pills and three blades hidden in the bathroom
maybe I'll just "go to the bathroom"...
maybe I'll never come back out..
Goodbye, then.
I give up. That's it for me.
"Nothing really matters. Anyone can see. Nothing really matters to me."
NOTHING MATTERS ANYMORE BECAUSE I DONT MATTER
IM SO FXCKING DONE
Too many people have died because of me. Too many people have left me.
Maybe it's finally time for me to leave.
Maybe it's finally time to say goodbye.
I'm so tired. So broken.
But I am not afraid to die.
Don't give up.
Don't lose hope.
I'm not going anywhere.
I'm not leaving.
I'm not dying.
I'm so sorry
I'm so, so sorry
I have to go
I'm actually sobbing...
I'm so sorry...
I'll be back
I'm so fxcking tired of being alone and feeling sad for myself and wanting to die because even though I'm really worth nothing, people need me. I can't accept that so I'm just a selfish bítçh to everyone and I keep leaving everyone and feeling bad for myself instead of being there for them. I'm a horrible friend and a horrible person. I'm so sorry to everyone I've left and tried to leave because you deserve so much better than that.
I'm so sorry for being all about myself and only wanting nothing but death and I'm so sorry for not being there for you and I'm so sorry for not being enough and not being happy and not trying to help
I'm so sorry for everything I've done
I'll try to be better. I swear I'm trying to be better
I just took a shower..
and I took my razor with me..
and now my arm is fxcked up..
along with both of my legs..
I have maybe over 70 on my legs and over 40 on my arm..
I-
I couldn't promise for this reason right here..
I'm sorry Chris..
I'm so hungry..
but I won't eat.
I'm not going to.
I'm too fat
I'm also really sick but I'm not gonna take anything to help because I'll die, that's fine.
if I get sick enough I could die actually, I'm not being dramatic.
I'm also cold as fxck but I took the blankets off because I don't care anymore.
I'm just gonna leave now..
I'm honestly just so tired
I'm so sick
I feel awful
I'm in my room
covered up with three blankets
while I'm wearing sweatpants and a hoodie
and I'm sweating at the same time
so I also have the fan on
fevers are the best
God, I'm so fxcking tired.
I don't want to go to fxcking school tomorrow
I don't want to talk to anyone right now
I just wanna curl up and sleep for fxcking ever
I can't do this
I can't handle it
it's too much for me
I just need time off of everything
I just want to be at my mom's house, where I'm comfortable and actually loved, and just sleep for a long time
sleep. not eating, not drinking. just sleeping.
I'm so tired...
I'm so hurt..
I won't be back for a while, Jess..
so.. don't miss me
I'll be back.. sometime..
"I was younger then.. take me back to when we found weekend jobs, when we got paid.."
"And I can't wait to come home. I'm on my way.. driving at 90 down those country lanes. Singin' to Tiny Dancer and I miss the way you make me feel. And it's real.. when we watched the sunset over the castle on the hill."
Oh, it's so funny, isn't it?
Everyone has hurt me in some way today
I'm so depressed I can't even get out of bed
I'm watching Suícide Squad though
I love it a lot
So I guess that's good
But I've been hurt so much today...
I guess it's my own fault though
I let it happen
I didn't explain myself, I didn't bother being nice to anyone today
I just want to die
Oh, and I don't want to go to Florida
Not because I don't want to see Jason
But because I'm just so uncomfortable with traveling... and I can't get in an airplane
I can't swim, and I'm terrified of the water anyways.
I'm literally so fxcking ugly.. I'm not putting on a bathing suit
or even shorts
I can't wear tank tops because I have cuts/scars
I just give up.
Goodbye
I cut today.
I sharpened a pencil and "went to the bathroom" and fxcked up my arm
but, oh well
I honestly just want to end it now.
I ruined everything
but I am not apologizing.
I am not sorry.
I'm only acknowledging the fact that I messed up.
It wasn't just me.
And I'm not gonna be sorry for my feelings because if they don't matter to anyone else, they still matter to me
Plus I'm stubborn and prideful so
Is this it?
Is this honestly the last time I'll be talking to you?
I've got to admit, I'm slightly excited to see what's on the other side.
Crazy, right?
I'll be able to see everyone again..
Everyone I fell in love with.. everyone who fell in love with me..
I'll see them all really soon..
As disturbing as it may sound.. I can't wait to die
I can't wait to be with old friends and even older lovers again
I can't fxcking wait, Jess..
I'll be able to see you, too.
I love you
I can't wait.
I'll see you soon, lovely.
Goodbye for now 😌💕
"Checking in, checking out.. we're strangers now but I don't believe that love was made to break."
God, I'm so tired of living..
and yet.. "I am not afraid to keep on living.. I am not afraid to walk this world alone."
I've already given up on trying
why not just give up on everything else?
I don't know what to do anymore
god, why don't people understand I will never talk to them about my feelings?
why won't people just understand that I cannot trust anyone anymore?
I cannot fxcking talk to anyone about "what's wrong" or "what happened" or "are you alright" or even small things like "how was your day" because it's so hard for me to talk to anyone!
I can't do it.
Hey..
I-uh.. I just..
I've lost hope for just about everything..
god, I haven't been this depressed in a while..
lol it's almost midnight and I have school tomorrow
I hope I wake up extremely sick or something
I could make myself throw up..
or drink so much I pass out and wake up with a hangover
or I could take just a few too many sleeping pills and not wake up for who knows how long
because I can't deal with school right now
I have so much shït going on I don't need school added to it
I'm so scared..
"I've been abused.. I feel so used because of you.."
god, I just want to smoke or drink myself to death
because I could choke myself to death with the smoke.
and, well, no need to explain how I'd die from drinking a lot..
I'm just so fxcking tired of it all..
can I just say that I absolutely hate everyone right now?
and it isn't really because they did anything, it's just that I'm incredibly sad.. and I always turn my sadness into anger around everyone else
lol I'm so fxcking done
I ruined everything
I hurt her
no, not Chris.
I'm talking about Batman
fxck you, autocorrect....
Aubrey, I meant.
but..
I guess I forgot to tell her I'll be in Florida next weekend and I won't be able to spend time with her..
I feel really bad..
I didn't really want to go to Florida anyway.. but..
this just makes me feel even worse about going..
I'm shaking and I'm about to cry again..
I-
just..
goodnight..
"why should we go 'round and 'round the truth like we've been doing?"
I'm so scared
"they don't need to understand!"
WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN TO ME?
WHAT THE FXCK DID I DO?
"We're always running away. And we don't even stop to think about it. The world's in our hands. Yeah.. and they don't need to understand. We do it our own way.. no matter what they try to say about it. We've got our own plans. Yeah. And they don't need to understand!"
"I'm laughing, I'm crying, it feels like I'm dying.."
I-
I can't..
I'm sorry...
I was stupid enough to read through all of my comments..
and all of Chris's comments..
god.. I-
I'm so scared...
I've damaged her..
I've hurt her so much..
I've scared her..
lied to her..
broken her..
left her..
I've given her so much shït.. and she still puts up with it..
I'm so sorry, Chris..
I'm so sorry..
I never meant to break you the way I have..
I never meant to hurt you..
I never meant to leave or cry or scare you..
I'm so sorry..
you deserve so much better...
I can't even begin to explain how much I hate myself for everything I've ever done to you..
I'm so sorry.. Chris.. I'm so sorry..
I haven't cut in so long..
almost three weeks..
I-
I'm starting to want to do it again..
I can't though..
I'm trying to get better...
I'm trying..
I can't fxcking do this
goodnight..
fxckfxckfxckfxckfxck
I can't-
FXCK
WHY THE FXCK DOES HE ALWAYS HAVE TO COME TO MY MIND
WHY THE FXCK DO I THINK ABOUT HIM
HE'S DEAD, IVORY. HE'S FXCKING DEAD AND HE ISNT EVER COMING BACK
STOP CRYING OVER HIM.
FXCKING STOP..
why do I have to cry over a dead boy..
why...
he's gone..
he isn't coming back..
stop missing him.. you never even knew him... at least, not like Chris did..
you knew him as the nice guy.. and that's all...
I-
fxck..
Liam..
Liam, why...
why did you have to go?...
I'm scared
I'm tired
I can't do this..
I want to give up so much..
I just want to die..
I can't-
I can't though..
I can't leave Chris.. or my mom or Matt or Shauntel..
I'm so scared though..
I can't stop thinking about Liam..
about Johnnie and Robbie...
I'm sorry I'm not strong enough..
I'm sorry I'm too scared..
I'm sorry I don't know what to do
"Put you in the past. Try to forget you 'cause it's over. And every time you ask, I'll pretend I'm okay. You're inside my head. In the middle of the night when I don't feel right I dream I can hold you..."
I'm done.
I can't do this.
You know how I said I never actually attempted sùicide?
I really miss your hair in my face.
and the way your innocence tastes.
and I think you should know this...
you deserve much better than me....
You know, I don't know what the fxck to do anymore.
I can't fxcking do anything
I'M SITTING HERE, 2:20AM, FXCKING CRYING BECAUSE THIS GXDDXMN FXCKING SONG
I CANNOT FXCKING THINK STRAIGHT.. MY HEAD HURTS
MY HEAD HURTS BECAUSE I'M FXCKING CRYING SO MUCH.
WHAT THE FUÇK DO I DO?
WHAT THE HÈLL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?
I'M IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO BE WITH, I'M DATING SOMEONE WHO LITERALLY SEEMS TO HATE ME, ALL MY FXCKING FRIENDS ARE IGNORING ME...
I give up.
Why?
whywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhy
whythefxck
fxck it all
I hate myself
I hate that I'm still alive
NO ONE would care
nobody would care if I left.
No one has time for me anymore
No one wants me around anymore.
I just want to fxcking die.
I want to end it.
End it all.
All the pain.
I wish I could say goodbye
I wish I could just end it
I'm hurt
broken
lonely
it's 4:00am
I haven't slept
I hate this
it'll never get better
I've known that
I just want it to end...
That's it.
That was the last straw.
They're all gone now.
I'm done.
If I've ever been sxicidal before, I'm definitely sxicidal right now.
I can't believe he would do this
I can't believe he lied
I can't fxcking believe it
Oh, Liam... I hope I'll see you soon...
"Nothing lasts forever... nothing stays the same.. so why can't I stop feeling this way? Torn.. in two. And I know I shouldn't tell you but I just can't stop thinking of you... wherever you are. You... wherever you are. Every night I almost call you, just to say it always will be you... wherever you are..."
I don't even know what to say
I can't stand the thought of her leaving again... taking a "break"...
her telling me goodbye..
and- and we probably aren't going to travel..
after all this..
that was the only thing I've looked forward to over the years... the only thing I thought was 100% certain..
that was the only thing I saw in my future..
and now...
I don't even know if it's an option anymore..
gxddâmmít.. now I'm crying..
just- fxcking goodnight...
what have I done..
I looked through that conversation Chris had with.. "Moriarty"....
on "Kat's" account..
I- I don't know what to do...
now that I know she was talking to herself basically...
now I know..
I can't stand it..
it hurts too much...
and she doesn't want me anymore anyway...
she doesn't care anymore...
she isn't my Chris anymore...
she doesn't love me anymore...
and the sad thing is she probably doesn't even look on here anymore like I do...
she may never know I'm even saying this...
I could leave my súīcide note on here and she may never see it..
because it doesn't seem like she cares anymore..
she can go off to college...
I'm not going..
I can't..
it hurts too much...
I'm scared..
I'm scared to go to the fair.....
I'm scared to..
I'm so scared..
what if I go and she acts like she's okay and like she cares and like she's happy when she probably isn't..
I'm just scared..
I'm leaving now..
I can't be on here any fxcking longer...
My best friend was stolen from me. What we had was stolen. And yet it was only stolen from me. Because SHE is the one that gave it up. She gave it to someone else. OUR friendship, our things, maybe even my nickname.. it all belongs to someone else now..
I cannot fxcking believe that she'd do that..I knew her first. Why is she the one stolen from ME? It fxcking hurts. I know it might seem like nothing, but even the one emoji I never use for anything except for HER (the blue heart) is the single heart emoji the person who stole her from me is using. And no one quite understands because what we had was rare.. But now it's just gone.. And I don't know what to do.. because she doesn't even seem to care that she never even talks to me anymore...
I don't even care at this point if she still looks here or not...
she knows what losing a best friend is like and yet.. here I am... losing her.. to someone else...
and no one understands
because what we had was rare.. never in my life have I been friends with someone this long...
and all those years are being taken away
all our time together..
it'll all be forgotten..
I'll be forgotten..
she left me before and I know she'll leave again because I know she's getting tired of me
who wouldn't get tired of someone so sad and upset all the time?
who wouldn't get tired of a liar?
who wouldn't get tired of a cheater and a self-harmer?
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