I made her afraid to come see me

That thing.. with Jay.. I was trying to keep myself from cutting by using it as a distraction..

And now...

I'm an idiot

I hate myself

I cut again

I was going to tell her

I am going to tell her.

She's just not answering right now.

I'm so tired

I want to sleep

Forever

I've tried my best to tell her how I feel

Now I just don't know where I stand with her

She said she never sleeps anyway

Sometimes I really think I'm in love with a stranger

It's just hard

When I'm not there

I'd like to think she'd be able to fall asleep if I were there to hold her

But I think that's just a fantasy

I don't know that I do any good at all

I don't know that she even loves me like that

"She don't love you, she's just lonely..."

She promised that wasn't right

She promised but I'm just

I'm me

I don't know

I'm so tired, Sam...

So tired, so worthless..

I'm just going to sleep

Pray I don't wake up, yeah?

I read everything

I'm sure she's going to read this too, but honestly I don't care right now

I need something

I need something to hold on to because every time I stop and think about myself and what I'm doing I nearly cut again

Distractions

Not from Ivory, I want to specify that

From the thing that happened with Jay and the Moriarty

It's crazy how good of a name I chose for him

He says he's trying to protect me when all he's doing is forcing me to believe I'm not enough

And now everyone thinks he's dead

Except for me

Moriarty is a poison, but he and I are one

It doesn't feel like the same person though

It feels like someone else is in my mind

Taunting and laughing at me every time I screw up

Tricking me into believing I failed when I didn't

And I would ignore him or fight against him but I can't

I can't because there's a part of me fascinated by it

We're locked in a strange dance and the taste of his lips is the taste of instant addiction

The addiction of hating myself. Of scaring people. Drinking myself into oblivion and pushing the blade deeper and deeper.

"Worse than nicotine..."

I'd like to believe we are two separate people, but the truth is that we are one. His thoughts are my thoughts. My addictions. My hate.

Dead

The times when those thoughts take over, I realize I am dead.

His time may be over on PC, but this is just the opening act in my head.

I fought against it with love, and that worked for a time

For a time...

I thought I was doing some good

I thought maybe I could make her believe she was beautiful if I told her enough

Because she is

I thought maybe if I loved enough I could convince her that she was loved

No, this is wrong

I want to scream

Just scream

Forever

Until I can't taste anything but blood and I can't think and everything else fades

No

Ivory

Focus..

Even if she doesn't believe it, I do

I know

I know that I would never be afraid of her

I know that she could flat out punch me and I would get up and hug her because the Chris part of my mind still believes that she does love me.

It was never about whether she would believe it or not

It was about hope and stories and telling the truth no matter what people thought

Honesty

Poetry

If we're talking honesty, every time I remember that she's never believed me even when she promised she did, it makes me what to curl up in a ball and cry.

But, if we're talking honesty, that's never stopped me before

I tell her she's beautiful because that's what I believe

I tell her I love her because I do. So much that it would be a crime not to speak it.

It's not about where we are right now

Stories

Stories. Stories stories stories. Shut up. She loves me. She loves me and I am enough. I am. Shut up, I don't care. I don't care, it's not about you, it's about the stories. Shut up and go away and leave me in peace.

I don't want you in my head anymore

It's a mess

My head is a mess

So am I

Poetry

Living poetry

Focus on what I know..

I know love

I know she's beautiful

I know I can fight

I don't know if I can do this

But I have to

Because I know I'm the person who stands up and fights when no one else will

That is who I am, and I won't allow anyone to change that.

I'm

I don't know what I am

I know who I am, but not what I am

She dated Max..

For a short period of time..

But.. He broke up with her..

And she didn't tell me and I feel sick and I thought

I don't know, I mean we aren't dating but

I didn't realize something so small could hurt so much

I should go

I'm not even jealous

There's just this dull ache in my chest

"Like all of the butterflies just died..."

See, I did that thing with Jay

But I stopped it

I can't help but wonder if she would have ever told me

If Max hadn't broken up with her

Would I be telling her I loved her and she'd be telling him?

Am I that useless?

Am I that... replaceable?

It's not her fault. I'm not mad, I've made mistakes too

I'm just

Shaking

And trying not to cry

And trying to ignore that emptiness in my chest

I'll be okay.

Get up, stand up, keep fighting

I'm not mad. I'm not jealous. I may be a little but hurt, but that's okay. I'll be okay. She loves me

I know she does

It's forgiven. I wish I could make her see that.

It's completely forgiven.

I wish I missed Liam the way Ivory missed him

I really, honestly do

I suppose that's impossible though. She and I knew two different people

She got the boy that said he loved her

She got the boy that kept attempting sûicide, but came back to her. At least for a while.

She got a boy who laughed with her and cared about her and made her smile all the time.

And I don't want to ruin that for her. She thinks he was amazing and god, I wish I could think that too but I can't because that wasn't the Liam I got.

I got a boy who told me he loved me and got so pîssed when I didn't say it back right away that he threatened to delete his account again because of it.

I got a boy who kissed me when he thought it was right, but if I kissed him he would yell at me or get mad at me or stop talking to me for a few hours.

I got a boy who used his words to convince me I was in love with him and that I couldn't be anything without him.

I got a boy who would tell me I was amazing and come back online a few hours later flat drûnk and tell me how worthless I was.

I got a boy who told me it was love when he tried to force me to do sèx role play with him.

I got a boy who convinced me he was my whole world. I got the Liam who told me I couldn't be anything if he wasn't around.

I can't miss him.

And I never wanted Ivory to know that the account she created for him made me sick.

I had a panic attack when she made it because "This can't be him please god don't let it be him again I don't want to go through this again"

I'd like to say I miss him, but in reality I can't think of him without shaking. Not out of missing him, but out of fear.

He scared me. More than anyone else ever has. He scared me because he convinced me he could take everything.

I believe he wasn't real because believing he was might break me completely.

I hate what he did to me.

I can't believe people when they say that they love me romantically because all I can think is that they're going to turn on me like he did. I can't kiss anyone, even Ivory, because I can't get it out of my head that she'll snap and start yelling at me or ignoring me because of it.

I know she wouldn't because she's Ivory, not Liam. She isn't like he was, but I can't get that idea out of my head.

He's the one that convinced me I wasn't good enough to voice what I was feeling.

"Just keep your mouth shut. You don't get to be loved. You don't get to be heard. You don't get to be happy." All those things that I repeat to myself? He's the one that convinced me of that. Because yes, he would tell me not to cut when he was sober, but he's also the one who told me how worthless and stupid I was while he was drünk.

I've never told anyone any of those things

I feel like I should delete all of these before Ivory sees, but it feels so good to tell someone that he wasn't the amazing person people seem to think he was...

Ivory would never believe me anyway.

Just like with Hannah.

I'm just someone making up shît because I'm mad and jealous.

Even though I'm not.

No one cares about that though

Oh well

I know what he did to me and I know I still haven't recovered from it.

No one can tell me that was a lie, because I have so many scars on my soul to prove it.

The song stitches always reminds me of him. Every word.

"You watched me bleed until I can't breathe... Shaking, falling onto my knees... And now that I'm without your kisses, I'll be needing stitches"

I'm surprised no one has noticed yet. My friends love that song, but every time it comes on I completely freeze up and go into panic attack mode.

That's when I have to convince myself that he's gone and that he isn't coming back.

A part of me wishes he would come back for Ivory's sake, but I don't know that I could talk to him again.

I don't know... I almost wish I could forget him...

I should've known she went back to it.

I did actually

I just didn't want to admit it to myself because I was hoping that I was wrong but..

She changes when she's on them.. She doesn't realize it, but I know because I know my Argetlam and when she's smoking and drinking and doing those things she doesn't act like my Ivory anymore.. She's more reckless and süicidal and aggressive and I can tell when the crashes come because she always gets frustrated and angry and not with me, but this is when she starts keeping secrets again and every day is a battle and I don't want this to happen again

I was working on her gift at three in the morning yesterday and I was thinking back to figure out what had changed about her because I knew she wasn't acting the same.. And that's when I realized the only time she acts like this is when she goes back to those things and I don't know I just completely broke..

I'm talking full panic attack, sobbing, punching the wall out of frustration type of breaking

I can't change what she does because it's not my life, it's hers.

But I can't take it...

I don't know what to do, Sam... I can't leave, but it hurts so badly...

Fxck, now I'm crying again..

I want to meet her today, I do.. But I'm just scared she won't be.. My Argetlam..

It's in all the little things she does, you know? She gets frustrated more easily, she stops writing things back, her conversation is more distant and when that happens I know and it hurts and it makes me sick because I know I'm enough to change some things but I'm not enough to make her want to change her life..

She wants things that I don't want.. She wants the smoking and the drinking and detentions and stealing and it's what I don't want and I don't know what to do, because I'm not here to change her and I still love her just the way she is but I'm stuck..

I don't know, Sam..

I don't know anymore..

No

I'm tired of this fxcking game

I'm tired of me

I'm tired of my life

I'm tired of playing at being strong because god knows I'm not

After all, I always come running to you don't I?

The girl who gave up on me

Joke's on you, now I'm the one giving up

I'm sick of this stupid life and these stupid stories and my stupid self

and I'm sick of holding onto something that obviously doesn't want to be held onto

I. Don't. Care.

Fxck it.

I'm not holding onto the wheel anymore, I'm done trying.

This is it.

This is where I lose myself entirely.

Today turned out to be amazing.

I'm not going to worry about what comes next today. Right now what matters is that today she was my Argetlam and I was her Amrâl.

I'll worry about what comes next another day.

It's always in the back of my mind

The thought that she's doing all those things and I can't change anything

I'm literally in a health lesson learning about the effects of all these things

"Death"

"Permanent insanity"

"Memory loss"

"Hallucinations"

Every god dxmn nightmare

She's dying

She hates me

She's forgotten who I am

She's forgotten who we are

She's gone and I wake up panicking and crying because "you could've saved her" "should've tried harder" "it's going to happen"

And my head hurts because I've spent a few hours with her and I already know I don't ever want to lose that

I don't ever want to lose this

And I could go to her but who's to say I could change anything?

You know, it's going to sound really fxcking stupid referencing a game but so help me god it's like a conversation in my mind I have ever day

"Save her!"

"You can't."

I'm just trying to figure out what to do

Take her hand so she won't take the cigarette, make her promise she won't do it again, show her there's a better way

And still I'll always be paranoid

Even when I'm eighteen

That I'll never be able to make it okay and every time I go to sleep she'll be drinking and smoking and trying not to tell me because she knows it'll hurt me

I'm dizzy a f

Shït 😂

Whoops

I'm just tired

And I miss her a little bit too much

Or a lot

It's so hard to keep going when I keep forgetting what I'm fighting for

Stories and poems and games

That's what I try to think of life as

Because if I just think of it as life, I'm not okay anymore

If I think of it as just these days that I'm given to live through it becomes something I don't want anymore

It scares me how incredibly fragile I am

Why am I the one who feels like they should fight when I'm so small?

I'm just tired I guess...

It all seems so... pointless... sometimes...

I don't want to be here

I don't want to be annoying

I don't want to be useless

I don't want to be depressed

I don't want to be sad

I don't want to be me

"I'm laughing, I'm crying, it feels like I'm dying, I'm dying, I'm dying..."

"Everyone thinks that I'm perfect, please don't let them look through the curtains..."

Please don't let them know..

Please don't let them see me..

I don't want this

Why am I so replaceable

I should go......

I'm not replaceable, I'm just sad

I miss making her laugh

And feeling like I belong

And cuddling

And pretending to be mad when she lets go of my hand just so that she'll take it again

I hate where I'm at because I'm sad and I'm sad because I miss her

The feeling of walking somewhere completely new and having it feel like home

That's the thing though

I know these streets

I know the fairgrounds

I know that everything is always arranged the exact same way and I know the smells and the sounds and I know how everything looks

It's someplace I know and someplace that should feel like home, but instead I feel like an outsider

And that one day it felt like home

Keep breathing

I'm trying

I'm trying but it's hard to breathe

"Is there anyone out there 'cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe..."

Keep

Breathing

I'm sorry, I don't know what's wrong with me, I'm just scared or something I think I don't know

Just a bump in the road, right?

Just another obstacle we have to overcome

It's okay

I'm just afraid

I'm always afraid

I won't travel the world until I'm 20

My life is nothing

I can figure it out

Find a way

I can do something

Alone

Ridiculously, completely alone

Constantly

Friends live too far away to see and I don't have my phone anyway to ask them

Just here. In my room. Haven't had an actual hug since Ivory left. Keep YouTube or music on constantly, read a book, draw something, get frustrated trying to code a game, ignore the game, take another class to stress myself out more, feel sick but not care enough to do anything about it... Is this all I am? All I'll ever be?

She would be fine if I left. I know it. I fxcking know it.

Everyone would be.

I am nothing.

I haven't cut in so long

I was holding on to the hope that I could be enough

Trying so hard to be a good person

I'm not

Okay?

I know the feeling of falling apart

And I know the feeling of falling back together

Through it all I always somehow manage to get back up

Even if I'm slightly damaged

I just want something to be okay

I want to be able to fix the problem and I can't

I just want to be here

And even if I can't fix the problem, I just want to be trusted..

I'm so

I don't know

It's just me

The type of person I am

I can see in black and white, but I always feel in grey

And now I'm shaking

And I don't know why

I can't ever be anything

I think I should be crying

Or feeling awful, crying, curled up somewhere

I'm just

Tired

Trying to remember what I'm fighting for

Trying to remember why

Why am I fighting

Why am I here

Fxck

It's getting hard to breathe again

Light headed

Can't think

No, focus

I know what I fight for

It's just so hard to remember

When I can hardly remember my own name

There's something that I do love

Someone?

Precious

Good

Happiness

I can remember a feeling

Hope

Warmth

Slightly sweaty hands but I can't let go

Promising myself I won't let go

Why did I let go

Could've ran

Take her

Protect her

Don't let her go back, don't let go

I remember thinking

Please don't let go, get out of here, don't let her walk away

And she walks away

Because I let go

Why did I let go

She walks away and I just fall more in love

Empty and full in the same moment

Fight to hold her again

Fight for her

Please don't go

I'm so sorry

It's my fault

It's my fault, I'm sorry

I didn't want to let go

I'm the one who let go

She doesn't want to talk to me

Of course she doesn't, why would she

She trusted me

And I let go

I deserve every moment of pain

Useless

Worthless

I love her

I do, I swear, but it doesn't matter does it?

NOTHING ABOUT MY LOVE MATTERS

Stupid

Idiot

Stop it

STOP BELIEVING I FXCKING MATTER BECAUSE I DONT

not to you

not to him

not to my parents

and I thought for a moment that I did

to someone

but I don't

I never have

Stupid me thinking I could make a difference

IS THIS WHAT I AM??

IS THIS WHAT I WAS MEANT FOR??

Just a joke to everyone around me

Let go of life, yeah?

After all, that's what I'm good at, right?

Letting go of everything.

Not making people smile. Not making people happy. Not making people laugh.

Not making her laugh.

"Just stop, Chris. You can't save me. You can't save anyone. You can't even save yourself, you aren't doing anything! So just stop."

A quote from Liam by the way

Make mistakes

All of them

My fault

I think maybe I should go

I would stay

If I was asked

I'll always stay if I'm wanted

I'm just insecure and I don't want to stay where I'm not wanted

I'm sorry

I want to cry

I'm not okay

At all

And it's so stupid because I keep saying I have to go when all I want to do is stay

I don't want to talk

I just want to know that I'm doing something

And my head hurts and I'm shaking and everything is blurry and all I know is I'm not okay and I'm sorry

That I'm not okay

That I can't be enough

That I'm so clingy

I'm so sorry that I'm me and what's good in me isn't worth going through all of the bad stuff to get through

I'm pushing people away

And at the same time begging them

Please don't leave

Please don't go, I can't do this

I can't be enough and I'm sorry that it's so hard to breathe and talk right now

I can't do anything

"I have to go."

What do I expect people to do? Stay?

Obviously not.

I just want to be in a hospital somewhere because maybe then someone would hold my hand and tell me it's going to be okay and that I'm going to make it

Now I am crying

I don't want to stand up anymore

There's a part of me that handles these things

A cold adult who doesn't care what happens as long as she protects people

And that's what I want everyone to see

But at the same time, there's this six year old girl sitting alone in her room on her birthday again wondering why no one is ever proud of her

I just want to be told it's okay...

I'm okay...

I don't have to do this alone...

But I do

That's the problem

Because that six year old girl had to wipe her own eyes and get up and pretend it's all okay

I can't always be the strong one...

Push everyone away

And then wonder why there's no one here to comfort me

I'm sorry

"Please don't go..."

"Please keep texting... Please still care about me... Please care enough to tell me it's okay for me to fall sometimes..."

All the words I will never say

Because "I can do this on my own" right?

No

Alone with my thoughts and I'm trying so hard but its not enough and I'm not enough and I'm so sorry that I push everyone away

I don't get a birthday party

And no one will ever know how many times I type the message and don't hit send

I can't hit send

Because then she would feel obligated to take care of me, and that's not what I want

That's why I come here

Because if I told her directly, I'd be the six year old girl timidly asking "Please hold me"

Instead, I'm Chris

Stubborn girl who won't talk because she has to be some kind of superhero

I'd leave me too

Where's the treasure in this field, huh?

Don't speak

I'm just a little lonely

But I'll make it, yeah?

Some things that happened today: I finally got Sony Vegas downloaded. I asked my coding instructor about the doors in my game and he said he would help me out. I did a few English quizzes. I drove partway to the pool, but then realized I didn't have a membership. I read poetry and talked to some people on Instagram and I made a thiscrush account.

All the tiny little things that make up my life

And, of course, worrying about Ivory

Honestly, if I had to take a guess, she probably wishes she hadn't given me her number.

I'm like the stereotypical bad relationship girl.

But, oh well, I suppose.

I'm always annoying

I haven't left you alone yet

And you're fxcking dead.

Whenever she doesn't answer for a while, I'm just terrified that she's doing something

Cutting, drugs, drinking... And it isn't fair because she probably isn't, I just always assume things

She hates it when I assume everything

That's all I seem to do

It's a miracle she doesn't hate me

I hate me

It's too hot in this room

I wonder if she's texted back yet

Probably not

Alex hasn't been talking to me much either

Not that Ivory hasn't been talking to me

She talks to me almost constantly

I'm just

Needy and clingy

Sometimes I feel like I should stop talking for a while

Just so I don't get annoying

Even though that's exactly what I am

I wish she were here next to me in the car

Then I'd really be annoying

I don't want her to leave

But I want her to be here

Completely

I want her. Her personality and her quirks and just everything about her.

I hate feeling so distant from her

It's like my soul goes off life support

And I'm just here gasping

And I'm afraid she's just fine without me

I'm afraid I'm the only one who can't survive when we're distant

I'm just afraid I suppose

It hurts

It all hurts

I tried...

I tried so hard..

I feel very alone

And sick

And I want to sleep

I'm so tired...

I couldn't tell you the last time I got a good nights sleep

"Take care of her, Chris"

IM TRYING

CANT YOU SEE IM FXCKING TRYING

"I don't see beauty in broken things.l

Funny

FUNNY

I didn't do anything

Yes I did

Of course I did, it's always my fault

I'm sorry

Okay, I'm sorry

I CANT DO ANYTHING ELSE

WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO

what do you want from me...

make it stop

just take it all away... please...

I hate myself

She's given me everything I've ever wanted and all I've given her is hurt and heartbreak

I don't deserve her and I don't deserve to live

Stupid

Fxcking awful excuse of a human

I love her

I LOVE HER

I wish I could make her smile by just cuddles

Because if I could be with her I would

But I can't and she wouldn't want me as

As this

She can make me smile by just being her. She makes me smile by talking to me

Why can't i do the same..?

Why am I such a failure..

I need to go..

I'm pathetic...

All I want to do is talk to her...

At least five things in the last ten minutes..

Just things that happen and I type it to her and then realize and delete it again...

I can't even last a fxcking day... Stupid idiot moron fxcking

she hates me

of course she does

there's no reason not to

I hate myself...

I'm crying and I'm so lonely and I'm so sorry and it hasn't even been a day I fxcked up everything but I can't take it back and I just want my Argetlam back and I want her to love me as I am but I don't want to hurt her and I'm so scared she's not going to tell me anything anymore because I can't love her like that and I'm such a failure I need to go I want her to know she's worth loving I'm just not good enough and I can't do this I can't I'm sorry I need to go I'm so sorry

600... that's got to be some kind of record...

Not deep enough...

Scratches...

Not deep enough...

Although I did nearly pass out...

Not enough....

Not deep enough...

Not enough in number...

Not enough to numb the pain...

Why aren't I empty

Anything else and I would be laying down completely still because nothing matters

Instead two minutes ago I was sobbing on the floor of the shower and the waster was too hot and the blood was everywhere and I couldn't breathe and everything else was going dark and I can feel my heart shattering...

I'm still crying...

The blood stopped...

Why did it stop...

I said I was done after four hundred......

And then shut up and dance came on....

I'm just..

I need..

I have to go..

I don't want her there.

I don't want her with the people she calls friends

I don't want her in that lifestyle because she's worth so much more

But it's her choice...

And I can't change it...,

If I could tell her anything

And I knew she would be safe

I would tell her to run

And get out of that place

I would keep her with me

But it couldn't ever work

I would get caught

Or she would

And I would blame myself

And everything would be ruined

I'm such a dxmn failure

Exhausted

I can't do this

I can't do this

I can't-

I wish I knew where your grave was

If I did, I would go visit you

Bring you buttercups and roses

And one hibiscus

And I'd kneel and look at your tombstone

Run my fingers over the letters in your name

I'd start talking

About everything

About the stars and the way I feel and the way I miss you

I'd talk about the way I feel lonely

About the way I've come to hate who I am with absolute certainty

I would tell you about all the ways that I've messed up and probably end up crying

I would talk to you about all of the things that I remember about you

And all about Ivory and how you would love her

All the ways I've messed up my relationship with her

I'd pull my knees to my chest and say "I love you" one more time

Even if you can't hear me

Every thought in my mind

I just wish I knew

I wish I didn't have to sit alone every day and go insane with every unspoken thought....

I wish I could just completely break down

Instead I rest consistently at "not okay"

I'm not sad enough to completely destroy myself

But I'm not happy enough to chase after the things I want

I'm just... here?

"If you look in the mirror and don't like what you see, you can find out first hand what it's like to be me...."

612 messages on one collage of me just talking to myself

Might as well keep going, no one cares anyway

I want to scream and punch the mirror and go out and get in fights and leave this town and never come back

But all I can do is stand in front of the bathroom mirror crying and thinking "look what you've done. you chose this. this is who you are now."

faded hair and the opposite of clear skin

how many people would actually come to my funeral?

my parents probably would I guess

my grandparents might

Isaac wouldn't come

Neither would Kolbe or Abby or Mark

Alex might

That's all

No extended family or anything would show up

And the people who came might be sad for a while

But it wouldn't ever last

You know how there's like poems about people who've been lost and they always say things like "I couldn't breathe when I found out" and "It didn't feel right to laugh when they would never smile again" and "The room just felt empty when they weren't there"

I'm not the person people write about

And to be honest, it kind of makes me sad. Because I'm a storyteller and that's what I know. I know words and I know stories and yet I'm not good enough to ever be in one.

Who wants to read about someone who never goes anywhere?

The best thing about me was my personality once someone got to know me

But now?

I don't even know how to get that back...

See, Ivory is the type of girl people write stories and poems about

She's strong

And she does what she thinks is right no matter what people tell her

She's been through hxll and she's still here

She's the hero that people are inspired by

She doesn't even know it

She's that character that thinks no one likes them but everyone is actually in love with them

But they can't see it because everyone around them keeps lying to them about it

And it's so frustrating to me because I can see it so fxcking clearly

Every good story needs some kind of something to stop the hero

The best heroes are always the ones that have been through the most but have kept fighting

And that's her

She's exactly the type of girl people write stories about

I'm literally nothing

Maybe that side character that everyone's like "oh haha, cool, why are you here?"

Because I don't fight well enough

I'm not the type of girl people write stories about and I very much doubt I ever will be

Fxcking idiot

Àsshole

I promised myself I wouldn't fxcking tell her

Now what am I supposed to do?

"just ignore that little explosion I had there, let's go back to talking now"

Stupid

STUPID

This is not the way I deal with things

I hide it

I don't tell anyone and let it kill me instead of anyone else

Stupid. Fxcking. Idiot.

"Don't let your guard down"

Yeah, good fxcking job, Chris

You handled that nicely

Let me just go fall in love with someone I'll never be able to have

That's smart, right?

That's the best thing to do isn't it?

I have to go

I can't do this anymore

fxcking idiot

I figured it out

I was never jealous

Only hurt that I'm so replaceable

I should've known

I did know, I just convinced myself that she was telling me the truth. That I wasn't like anyone else.

You know what?

I have no fxcks left to give

Let her have her bio like we used to

I'll just keep talking to a dead girl

The freedom of being single af. I don't need anyone anyway.

I do.

She wants someone other than me

She wants someone actually brave enough to be where she is

I shouldn't be saying this

I'm just so tired...

Oh god, I'm so tired...

Maybe I'll leave

Just walk out the door and not come back

Go somewhere

Catch a flight halfway across the world

Somewhere nobody knows my name

Get drunk somewhere in Ireland

Get into fights

Get killed somewhere saving someone

Die a hero somewhere

not that anyone could care

BECAUSE I DONT FXCKING MATTER DO I

it doesn't matter that I care

it doesn't matter that I'm always here

it doesn't matter that I'm trying

You know, if I did run I would run to her

but that doesn't matter either

My head hurts

And I can taste blood

I can't do this

Sam...?

I- I want

I want Liam back......

I want him back here lying to me again...

I want him to lie to me and tell me he loves me again. I need- I need something and I don't- I can't- I just- I need- I need-

I need someone.. please..

I feel so alone, Sam..

I'm scared and I don't want to fall asleep alone again..

I'm so sick of falling asleep alone and waking up alone

I can't breathe and I don't know what I think anymore and I'm so scared I'm so scared and lonely and I need you here I'm not okay anymore, Sam, I'm not okay

Help me

I can't do this, I can't do this

Please don't let me fall asleep alone again, I can't wake up without someone there, I'm not strong enough

Please....

Please just let me die...

I could be strong enough

One day

I can learn to wake up alone

I can make it

I've done it before, it's just reacquainting myself with the probability of waking up alone for the entirety of my life.

I know that probably sounds crazy considering I'm only fifteen

But this is an eternity alone

I can force myself to get used to the loneliness again.

I can.

I hope I can at least... Otherwise this life won't last much longer

This time.

I will let her be happy without me.

I will put up with small talk.

I will stop talking to you.

This time I will not speak. I will not let the storm in my soul have its freedom. I will be what people want me to be. I will stop all of this nonsense of "I can do anything." I can't. I won't. I am done this time. Goodbye, Samantha. And I suppose goodbye to me too. Good fxcking bye. Won't be missed anyway. Goodnight.

I promised myself I wouldn't come back here

But I'm so lonely, Sam... And her Sam is back and that's okay, I want her to be happy.

I just want her to be happy, I'm not going to step in the way of that relationship

I just-

I wish I could go back to July 15

When I first realized I was in love with her

And she told me she was in love with me

Maybe I'll be alright eventually

Isn't it stupid of me to hate myself so deeply for losing something that wasn't mine to begin with?

No, she was mine.

Before she was Liam's or Sam's or any other of the people since then, she was my Ivory... My Argetlam

"So I'm coming over, running every red light To hxll with the closure - save it for another time, Try not to think about you, but it ain't working, Why put out a fire when it's still burning?"

Except it isn't burning for her anymore

I wish the stars were out

I wish you were here

I wish someone cared

That's alright

I'll be alright

Eventually

I wish she were here with me right now

I miss her so much

I won't say it if it hurts you

As long as she's happy.

I don't know what to do

I want to help

I need something to take away the pain

Something...

I don't know how to tell her

How could I?

I'm not good enough for this.

I'm scared. I'm always scared. I hide behind the storm.

She's not the one that should be doing something stupid, I am

It's always me

Only words...

That's all I am

Writing and words and story upon story building up a wall

Hiding behind a screen

Hiding behind words

I'm not someone to be loved or desired

Or needed

In all honesty, who could? Who could ever need me?

The girl who writes to stop the thoughts in her head... Who never cuts below a hundred... Who's too afraid to fall in love... Who can't do as she's told but isn't bold enough to strictly not do what she's told so I just stay in the grey area

Hiding... Always hiding...

See, because I'm not always Chris

I'm not always loving

I'm cold and ruthless and I disconnect from everyone

People seem to forget that the "Moriarty" I created wasn't just a character... He's just as much Chris Firehart as I am...

I can't show that

I should go.

I really need to go.

I'll be somewhere inside my head wandering among the dead flowers

Drunk on my own stupidity and probably getting tortured by Moriarty

I still refer to myself as that stupid name

I'll be getting tortured by myself

That's it.

You know what, maybe I should go

For real

Just stop everything

No one fxcking cares anyway

NO ONE FXCKING CARES

Me least of all

No one ever cares enough to stay

And so I'll fall asleep alone again

I don't care anymore...

I don't care..

WHY DOES NO ONE UNDERSTAND

NO ONE DESTROYS ME BUT MYSELF

I DO THIS

I am the one who sits awake telling myself I'll never be loved

I am the one who won't allow myself to love for fear of hurting everyone else

And I'm fxcking sorry

I'm so fxcking sorry that all I can ever do is convince everyone that they're hurting me

Because they're the healing and I'm the blade

It's no fxcking wonder no one ever stays

Who would want to stay with me

All I ever do is push people away and then wonder why I'm alone

I am so sick of myself

I am so sick of everything

I want it to end

MAKE IT END.

YOU HEAR ME GOD?

I DONT FXCKING CARE N

JUST TAKE IT.

I DONT WANT IT

I don't want to be alone anymore

WHY DID YOU CREATE ME TO LIVE IN THIS

Let "Moriarty" take over again

I don't want this anymore

Oh, here we are again then

See here's the thing

I do love her

I do, but I can't show it, and why?

Because I'm "scared" and "small"

Poor Chris, always alone. Never loved, oh boo fxcking HOO

She'd never actually love you anyway

You talk to yourself as if you were both the hero and the villain

You stop talking for days at a time

You can't control whether you love or hate

You're not a storm, you're a fxcking walking disaster

She will not love me because I am a disaster.

And this is what I wanted isn't it?

To be destroyed.

To be completely demolished by love

Liam didn't work well enough did he?

He only broke me a littl

But this?

Oh, this is it.

This is the destruction.

The destruction of loving someone and staying silent

Because I could never actually tell her why I won't go on another Ferris wheel

I could never say that it was because I wanted my first kiss to be you

No, never.

Because I know myself well enough to know that I'll do this again

I can't have what I want because I am not in control

of myself

That's right, all I do is hide behind writing

Because if anyone ever saw the flat out destruction of my being I would be alone

I will always be alone.

I am alone.

Because no one will ever stay because I am a disaster. I am a disaster and all I will ever be able to do is hurt the ones unfortunate enough to get close to me.

I don't want it to end...

Why couldn't I have been infinite...

Why wasn't I enough...

Why am I never enough...

If she really wants to forget me that badly, I suppose that'll be it... She's quite a stubborn girl...

"I would've stayed with you forever..."

Last time it was six hundred...

I don't want to forget.

I will never forget.

And my promise still stands.

It will always stand.

So long as you want me, I will be here.

You only have to ask.

I'll always miss her. And she will always be my Argetlam. No matter what.

Don't ever say I didn't try

That I didn't fight for you

I fought as hard as I could

I tried to cheer you up when you were sad and write you stories when you were sick and I sang to you and I loved you the best I could. I still love you.

I'm sorry that I wasn't enough

I'm so sorry

I wouldn't have spammed you...

I would've sent you one text a dy

*day

But you want to forget...

You want to forget me...

I guess that's it then

No more Firehart

No more love

No more puppy named winchester

No more impala a

No more "My love" "Amrâl" "Argetlam" "Chandy"

It just meant so little that she wants to forget

No, I shouldn't say that

I hurt her

She wants to forget me...

I don't want anyone else...

No more letters in the mail

No more cheek kisses and stupid fights and big fights and "please don't go"

This is really it...?

We were supposed to be "And then..."

Not "Almost"

I-

I'm so sorry that I did this...

Please just keep living... Even if it's not with me... Please keep fighting...

And I know it's so very selfish... But please don't forget me...

I can't sleep without knowing that she's still here...

Or if I do, I'll just wake up every ten minutes

Please don't go...

Please don't go, we can figure out something...

I'm so tired, I don't want to fight, I just want to know you're alive...

Argetlam...

Please...

please please please

Don't tell me I lost you...

I can't lose you...

Please give me something...

Instagram post, PC post, comment, text, call... I don't care...

Please don't go...

Please don't leave me here..

I have to turn in my electronics soon I swear to god don't leave me here without knowing if you're okay

Just read the frîcking texts I sent

You don't even have to respond, just read them

I'm going to fxcking pass out from panicking

I have to turn my electronics in but I'm fxcking dizzy please be alive....

If you don't respond by tomorrow so help me god...

I'm so fxcking scared...

I need to know she's okay she hasn't responded why didn't I see Jess' page sooner...

I'm so scared please please let her be okay...

Please don't let her die... Whoever is in charge don't take her away like this... Not like this, please...

She can leave if she wants to, I won't stop her this time just let her be okay... Please, please, please...

I don't want her to be gone..

I don't-

please...

Please don't-

I can't-

I- I can't-

I just need to know she's still alive..

I'm fxcking crying again dxmmit

After all of this...

Don't let it end like this..

She could be in a hospital right now

On life support

what if she's already dead?

Don't think like that...

She-She's just at school.. and she'll be home soon and answer and say she's fine don't worry...

She'll be back soon..

...right?

Almost five and she hasn't answered....

Fxck..

I-I should've answered sooner..

I saw her comments and I meant to answer but I literally threw up and I didn't answer soon enough and now she isn't here

If she is dead it's my fault

I want to take the god Dxmn pills right now

She's alive..

Thank god..

YES

IT WORKS

I FEEL LIKE A FXCKING MAD SCIENTIST

I JUST GOT THE MUSIC IN MY GAME TO WORK AND IM SO HAPPY I COULD CRY

I had to tell someone and no one is actually talking to me so 😂 Congratulations, Samantha, you get to hear about my little life achievements that no one actually gives a fxck about but me 😂😂

I think I'm happy right now. Like- Genuinely happy.

I won a laptop through actual hard work. I'm excited for this next school year. I'm going to California, I may meet Mark and Jack and Robert...

I think I'm happy with who I am and where I am right now.

Not the town, I'd love to get out of this town, but this place in my life.

I'm happy reading poetry and talking to people online and watching YouTube in my spare time... I'm happy with my plans and being young and free and wild... Not necessarily tethered to anyone... I'm happy living and reading and just existing under the stars... I'm happy.

I finally looked through the rest of Ivory's gift to me

Last night I mean. I haven't yet because I didn't know if I could handle it.... I knew how much it would make me miss her

And it did. A lot. It hurt.

But no one has ever done anything that nice for me...

I loved every page. Every page. I loved it so much and I miss her and I want to go back to the fair I don't want to fight anymore I miss my best friend... I miss my best friend...

I miss...

I can't breathe, I can't think, I can't write, I can't remember how to talk to people I'm losing my fxcking mind

She doesn't care and why should she

She thinks it's easy for me to leave, but it isn't, I swear it isn't I'm hurting her can't she see that I'm holding her back

I'm holding her back and I can't fxcking cry I can't feel anything but fear I'm so fxcking scared I can't be sad I'm not happy I don't feel regret or anything I just know that I'm scared

I'm scared of losing her and I'm scared of losing myself and I'm scared of falling asleep alone again and I'm scared of being here and I'm scared to be there but I'm scared not to be there and I'm scared that if she was here we would just sit in silence until I whispered an apology and I don't think anyone understands that I can literally feel the pain in my body when something happens in my mind and I don't think anyone can see that I'm at war in my mind and I'm losing and winning at the same time and I'm going insane I can't think I can't remember what it was like before this please help me please I can't do this I can't leave her and I can't stay here and I want to be okay I just want to be okay please just take the loneliness away

I'm dying...

I'm dying I don't want to die please don't let me die there's so much I haven't done

I don't want to die I don't know how to feel again I'm so lost I miss my best friend I'm scared and alone and afraid I'm scared to live and I'm scared to die and I think this is all I ever was

But what if I made it end...?

I keep saying how afraid I am

I wish that I could reverse time

I can't say anything.

I can't say anything because apparently I have to stay behind walls.

Because apparently we don't trust each other anymore...

Or rather she doesn't trust me

I'm worried

And tired

But mostly worried. Normally if I ask her to stay, she does...

I'm scared I'm losing her and she says I didn't do anything but I think I did and I'm scared because she won't tell me anything and I don't want her to shut me out

Oh yeah, start fxcking crying. Good plan, Chris.

I don't make anyone happy anymore, do I?

Honestly, what's the point in me being here anymore? I'm not necessarily important to anyone, I can't make people smile, I don't really know that anyone genuinely wants me here

Maybe there isn't a point to any of it

Just tell me why everyone that I try to be myself with decides I'm not good enough

Do you think she still needs me?

Probably not to be honest...

I don't exactly make her happy anymore

I am kind of useless after all

Sam makes her happy though. At least there's that.

Why am I so worthless?

Why do I mean so little that no one bothers to ask me "Hey, Chris, how's your day going? What's on your mind? Are you doing alright?"

Why does no one care..?

I guess I'm not really worth it, but I just wish sometimes

I wish that I wasn't so broken that no one can see anything good anymore

And I'm alone again

I don't care anymore..

Liam was right. About everything he said about me.

How I couldn't be loved.

How I couldn't make anyone happy

I don't care anymore and it's not like anyone else does either

So I'll always be alone, I don't deserve anyone anyway.

So no one ever asks me what I loved and hated about me day, it's not like it means anything to anyone anyway.

Too clingy

Too annoying

Tries too hard

Too awkward

Too unlovable

The shadows will scream that I'm alone

and so I will drown in my own thoughts because I'm too tired to fight the waves

You know what

I don't fxcking care

I'm not going to force her to stay with someone who can't even stay happy

I want her, but if she doesn't want me that's fine

She deserves better anyway.

No one wants to talk to me anymore

I'll just talk to you I guess

I guess I just wish someone would listen to me rant except a dead account

She has every right to be mad at me, I started talking about her girlfriend.

I need to learn to keep my mouth shut.

She's made it plainly clear she doesn't want to hear my sadness

So I won't talk, I suppose

Especially about Samantha. It's just that I don't like the way she treats Ivory, but that's none of my business unless she's genuinely hurting Ivy. Then it's my business.

Other than that, I just need to remember that there are some lines that don't need to be crossed.

I wonder if she'll ever talk to me again

I wonder if I'll ever be able to make her feel okay

I wonder if I'll ever stop wishing for someone to just listen to me and hold my hand when I'm in a dark place instead of telling me I'm stupid or how they don't want to hear it or how I'm okay

I'm not going to text her first

I can't, I've already literally begged her not to go

I've never done that with anyone else

It still isn't enough though, she doesn't want to be here

Oh well, I suppose I'm used to being alone and no one caring

You know what, no. I'm not alone. I have someone who always listens and loves me

And thank god for her, I'd probably be dead somewhere literally just from tonight if it weren't for Alex

Maybe I'm not so worthless as people seem to think. Maybe I'm worth more than people ignoring me constantly. Maybe someone will listen to anything I have to say and correct me when I'm wrong instead of shutting me down completely... Maybe I deserve to live.

I don't quite know why she got so mad at me

I understand that she got mad, but she's never just left like that

I can't say I don't miss her

Maybe she'll text me tomorrow

Maybe she won't want to talk to me anymore, but she promised she'd never give up on me

I guess a part of me wishes that she would miss me. I know it's only been a day, but something tells me that she's done with me. And it hurts because I believed her. Every promise she gave me, I believed it. I believed when she said that she wouldn't leave. That as long as I wanted her she would stay. That I was different. That she wouldn't give up on me. Lie after lie, and every one sounded so sweet that I believed it. And of course the biggest one of all. "I love you." That was a flat out lie because you don't hurt the people you love like that. I know that I've hurt her and she's hurt me before, but that's different. People do that accidentally. But you don't destroy the person you love by doing everything you know they're afraid of. If you want to leave, okay. I understand. I'm a lot to handle. But if you love me, if you ever loved me, you would never, ever just stop answering. If you ever listened to me you would know exactly the kind of message that sends. "You are not worth my time. None of what we have been through matters. Everything you are, everything we were together does not mean enough for a goodbye. You do not deserve my words." If that's the message you want to send to me, then you've succeeded. You've succeeded in telling me that everything you've said to me is a lie. You've succeeded in telling me that I was a waste of your time. You've succeeded in telling me all of the stories I wrote mean so little to you that you can walk away like it's nothing. You accused me of walking away from you, but I never did. Not when it hurt. Not when you hurt. It was always me before you, and I never expected you to do the same for me. All I asked for was love. It makes me sick that after two years I'm not even worth a goodbye.

And that's that. Ivory, if you ever read this, I don't hate you. I could never hate you.

In fact, I wish you the best of luck. In your life, in your relationships...

Who knows, one day maybe we'll meet again

Goodbye, Argetlam. I've had the time of my life. Through the skype calls and the plans and the fair... Everything. You've seen the best and worst of me and stuck around quite a bit longer than I thought you would. After all of this, I only want to say thank you. I suppose this is the moment Chris has to say goodbye to Ivory. So goodbye, love. Goodbye, my lovely Argetlam. Thank you for our infinity.

I'm a walking goodbye

I promised myself I wouldn't come back here. I promised not to come back here to you, but I can't walk on my own

I can't decide what I am.

I'm broken for a moment and then I'm whole, I'm numb to everything and then I'm alive again

And Ivory is going to leave

"I don't know when I leave until I leave"

Just another way of saying you're only temporary

Just another way of saying goodbye

Everything is changing and I can't deny how lovely it would be to just let it all fade

How lovely to let go of this life

Ivory says she's going to leave anyway

I'm not anything special.

There are no people who compare me to art and there are no people who count on me amymore

And yet for some reason I keep pushing

A walking heartbreak...

A walking heartbreak or a walking goodbye

I'm so sick of this.

I love these people but

It's all so small. Everything is so Dxmn small

Everyone is against Donald Trump and they don't know why. Everyone has that "don't give a cräp" attitude. No one knows what they believe in and they don't care anyway.

My mother asked me the other day "How many people would be okay if you left?" because she was threatening to take my electronics again and I couldn't help but think "All of them."

Every last one of them would be okay. Everyone would go on with their lives. And that doesn't really bother me anymore, it's just true

You know that saying that if something is a priority you'll make time for it?

I do miss her, I'll admit that

But I can't handle the small talk and the chit chat and the lies and hiding and not telling me anything

And I'm not asking her to change her personality for me. I'm not asking for anything more than honesty.

I know I lied once upon a time, but I was always honest. Even when I wasn't truthful. Even playing someone I wasn't, I was still me. Because she never deserved anything less than me and my soul, however broken it may be

Idle chit chat

"How was your day?" "Okay I guess." "Alright."

I can't handle the small talk. Anything but the meaningless words for the love of all that's holy

We had plans and love and fire and soul and we were broken but somehow whole. We were beautifully, infinitely, poetically soulful and now

"Hey" "Hi" "How was your day?" "It was okay I guess" "Alright" "How was yours?" "Alright I suppose." And then silence

And then there's nothing left

I can't handle that with anyone let alone someone who's soul I danced with daily

I can't handle the lack of honesty and soul. It's not who I am, it never has been. But of course it's not my choice. It never has been. It takes two to dance

I know exactly what happened. I know why it's like this right now. At least since that one night...

It wasn't her fault. I know that.

It was her choice, but I was the one who reacted the way I did.

By immediately replacing every wall I had torn down

One night, one choice, one second and I said "not again"

She didn't know.

How could she? I never told her

I was going to...

I had the message typed and then

Well, it doesn't matter now I suppose

It started before that but that was the night I rebuilt every wall

I had time

I used to do that a lot but she would come back before I had a chance to hide and she would make sure I never left completely

She didn't come back that night

And I finished building my castle and I locked the door and now I don't know how to get out and I don't know if I want to because I'm safe in here and as long as I don't come out of my castle I can't get hurt and I can't hurt anyone else. My personal cage of protection from everything.... it's not her fault

"Why do my words always lose their meaning?"

Why do I feel like I can't say I'm lonely now that I'm a Christian?

I am allowed to be lonely. I know that. But I'm afraid people will see me and wonder why this is better than doing it any old way

It doesn't take everything away, it's a battle

I just don't want to distract her from having fun. She seems like she's having a blast with her "Bestie goals"

I'm just a little lonely

That's all

And it's my fault she's mad. As always.

Because all I seem to do is bother my friends

Because all I do is make stupid jokes and leave when I get lonely because they're doing something more important than me.

I always want to scream "It's not my fault I'm like this! It's not my fault we're fighting, it's not my fault people can't trust me, it's not my fault!"

And then I realize its entirely my fault

It's entirely my fault I stopped dancing and it's entirely my fault I keep leaving people and end up lonely and it's entirely my fault I keep fighting and it's entirely my fault I'm not doing anything with my life

It will be entirely my fault the day she decides to delete all of our messages and block my account

Just as it was my fault when you left. When Liam left. When Hannah left. When Tori left. When Psych left. When Sara left. When Reagan left. When Anna left.

Just as it will always be my fault. "If only you would have, I would've stayed."

I'm sorry

Okay?

I'm sorry I'm not big enough to be someone's home.

I'm sorry for collapsing always. I'm sorry my best was never good enough to convince anyone they were good enough for love and happiness.

So I guess this is the end?

I couldn't handle it anymore.

I didn't mean to snap, but I did. I don't think there's any coming back from this one.

It's my fault, of course.

Perhaps she'll be better off without me anyway.

I like to think that years from now she won't have any nightmares and she'll be happy. Maybe she'll travel without me. I hope she sees the world.

All those times I thought it was over

Well, here it is.

The end of it all

This is where I leave these messages.

This is where Amrâl and Argetlam say goodbye

But there will always be a spark in my heart

Of our infinity. And I will never forget.

I promise I won't forget red roses or root beer floats or husky puppies named Winchester. That's one promise I fully believe I can keep.

And I'll wear the black ring around my neck as a reminder

The first time I ever fell in love...

I hope she remembers.

I won't come back. Not this time. Not after that.

I hope she remembers her storyteller in a good way

Before the fights.

I hope she remembers the reason she nicknamed me "Love"

And I hope that she'll move on but never forget.

Perhaps someday we'll meet again.

When I'm not broken and when I learn to control my words.

And maybe we'll sip vodka and laugh about old times.

And cry over the things we never got to do

But most of all I hope she finds happiness.

And I hope she remembers to keep finding beauty everywhere and wait for the flowers to grow again.

There will always be traces of her in my writing. I can't stop that. No matter how much she wants me to.

Oh, for the infinity we had and the infinity we never got to have. I'm sorry we never learned to dance. I'm sorry I never took you out for milkshakes. I'm sorry I only got to see you once. I'm sorry for all the things I said and all the things I didn't say. I'm sorry that I never got to know you for who you really are as you say. I'm sorry I couldn't promise never to leave you. I'm sorry I couldn't make the nightmares leave. I'm sorry I couldn't make the depression go away. I'm sorry for crying when you needed smiles and I'm sorry for bleeding when you needed someone to help you. Most of all I'm sorry for making you believe I was what you needed. Thank you for everything you gave to me. Thank you for talking me out of death so many times. Thank you for loving me when no one else did. And if you ever read this, I still believe you are my Argetlam. If you ever read this, I wish you the best of luck all the years of your life and may they be many. And now, my lovely Argetlam, one final time. I love you. You are my infinity. Goodbye.