This is my last comment. Ever. So I've got to fit everything I can into this. Well, let me start off with saying I was reading her comments since she literally sent her first one. I read it all. Also, I want the ring so I can wear it. I don't want to forget her. I don't want to run away from her. I said goodbye because I'm done hurting her and I'm done missing her when she's gone so much and I'm done crying at night because I never know what to say or do. I'm done wanting to kill myself and then talking myself out of it and never telling her because SHE IS NEVER HERE ANYMORE. IT ISNT MY FXCKING FAULT SHES NEVER HERE. I SAID GOODBYE BECAUSE I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE. I CANT TAKE IT. I CANT TAKE CRYING SO MUCH OVER HER. I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE. I SAID GOODBYE. IM SORRY I SAID GOODBYE BUT I HAD TO. IM SORRY. WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO? KEEP LIVING LIKE THAT? IN CONSTANT PAIN? Earlier she said something about when did she stop loving me. She stopped loving me when she told me she believed in the christian god. She stopped loving me when she left me alone for a religion that is so hateful and disgusting and filled with cräppy. She stopped loving me when she turned maybe 15. After the fair. She stopped loving me. And that is not my fault. She hates me. She's gone so much and I know why. She just doesn't want to be around me anymore. I said I'd stop cutting. I swore to my heroes that I'd never cut again. And I won't. I never will.||||| You know, I haven't believed a word she's said since I found out what she told me about Liam. And when she told me all the other lies. I haven't believed anything she's said. I'm sorry, but I can't take it anymore. Like I said, I don't want to forget. I don't want to run. I want the ring. But I just can't take having a best friend that I usually can only talk to once a frickiñg week.

I'm back again.

Took me over a month, but I'm back again.

I just need to say all of this

And I can't talk to anyone about it because I can't trust anyone with all of this

So here I am

Commenting on an account I made for a dead girl who doesn't exist

Anyway..

So I'm here to talk about Ethan. Ethan Bryson. The boy I fell in love with about a month ago.

I don't even know how to say all of this

All of this is going to be everywhere and out of order

So I started talking to him on snapchat and stuff a couple days after I met him while I was hanging out with Maddison.

And we were just friends, he came over once to hang out and stuff. We traded hats that day-I have his underarmour one and he has my joker snapback

But then I started to realize how much I cared about him

The feelings I got whenever I talked to him, whether it was texting or real talking, were feelings I've never felt before. Such strong feelings I could barely think.

Then, in the only class we have together, our teacher sat us right next to each other. Which was awesome.

Since I met him, he figured out on his own that I was in love with him. He even asked me about it and I had to tell him yes because I wasn't about to lie to him.

By that time, he knew I was in love with him.

But he was in love with someone else. A girl named Maycee. A girl he was always with, a girl he was all over. At lunch I could see him across the cafeteria with his hands all over her. This is the main reason I don't eat lunch anymore.

He still loves her. Since before I met him he loved her- and she loved someone else.

But then he found out I loved him and all of a sudden she likes him now too. Makes you wonder what he said to her, huh?

But anyways,

two weeks ago we kind of started talking to each other like we were a couple. He'd always say things like "I wanna come over and cuddle" "I wish I were there with you" stuff like that. And I'd say it back because of course I wanted to cuddle him, of course I wanted him there with me.

last week, on Sunday, he sent me his nudes.

It isn't like I didn't mind that he did. It's what happens throughout the rest of what I'm about to say that I mind.

After he sent those nothing really changed. We weren't weird around each other at all. Which was awesome.

Then a couple nights later (Tuesday night, last week, I think) he said he loved me.

I was cutting again and he said "Ivory I love you. I don't want you to cut anymore" and I told him he didn't love me, because I wanted to see if he was being serious or not.

He said that he really did.

Thursday night, he posted on his story at 11:11 and said "her" referring to Maycee.

LAST NIGHT at 11:11, he posts "Maycee😍😍❤️"

He hasn't talked to me since Thursday night.

Even at school. He hasn't said a single word to me.

He made his choice that night. When he posted that, he was basically telling me he was a liar and a f*ckboy and all he wanted from me was my body.

He made his choice and he broke my heart

and yet I still miss him

and I still love him so much

the thought of his smile and the sound of his laugh hurts

because I'll never be the reason he laughs or smiles again

everyone I know told me he was a f*ckboy and that he's cheated on everyone he's dated

but I don't believe them

I can't believe they'd tell me that

he isn't like that.. he told me himself he hated cheaters and liars

but now I'm more confused than ever

I still want him

I love him so much and these feelings aren't ever going to go away. No matter what he does.

I just don't know what to do anymore because I'd give anything to be with him, but I think he actually hates me now. I think he actually never wants to talk to me again..

I'm sorry for coming back

and ranting about my problems

I should just cut again. It's better than talking to myself.

but yeah anyway that's how awful my life is right now..

goodnight

Last night after I commented all of this stuff, at 11:11, he posted again with the same thing. "Maycee❤️❤️"

Every morning he still sends streaks, but that's the type of thing you send to everyone in the morning. So it isn't like I'm special anymore, or that I'm on his mind, it's literally because he probably forgot they send to me too.

It really hurts because no one I know understands what this is like

And it isn't like I could talk to my mom or Matt about this because they can no longer be trusted

I can't talk to them about anything anymore

I always lie to them now

I lie to everyone, but still.

They can't be trusted because of what they've done, and what they're planning on doing. They can't be trusted, and none of my friends can be either because I just can't trust anyone anymore.

So no one understands

Yeah, real angsty teenager thing to say, but no one understands me.

Honestly if I told this to anyone I knew, they wouldn't be able to help.

I feel like my only option at this point is to start planning my run away.

I've already written multiple different versions of notes to leave if I ran away, I have a good idea as to who would run away with me

The only part I'm not sure about is WHEN.

ugh

I was originally thinking in about seven months I'd leave

because in roughly eight months is when my reason to run away will come into reality

and if I don't leave before that happens, then I'm s c r e w e d .

Before all of this stuff with Ethan happened, he told me I could come live with him and we'd run away together.... but now that obviously isn't an option because he doesn't care anymore so

I'm stuck here, with my words and my notebooks and pens, trying to figure out ways to do this

ways to get all of this planned before it happens.

They can't make me move again. They can't make me leave all my friends behind again. I've lost friends from my old school because I was forced to move once. I am not moving away from all my friends again.

Go ahead, someone call me a drama queen. I really don't care. I'm not moving again. I can't be put through that again. And anyone who's been where I am now will totally understand.

I'm tired of letting people push me around and make me do things I don't want to do.

Too many people have taken advantage of me up to this point, and I'm done.

If my run away plan fails, guess what's going to happen next.

I'm sure if anyone's reading this, you'll be able to figure out pretty quickly what it is.

I've already written a suicîde note, too. Just in case I'm caught and forced to leave anyway.

Okay so I feel like I need to slightly explain myself

The whole reason I'm planning on running away is because my mom and Matt want to move again, in about eight months. I cannot leave my friends behind again. I can't do it again.

Running away will get me away from my mom and Matt

Running away will also result in me leaving this town, even though the whole reason I'm running is because they're making me leave.

If you're running away, it's the dumbest thing ever to stay in that place you're trying to get away from. I don't want to leave only because I don't want to leave my friends. So if I run away with someone very close to me(who I already know who it could be), I'll be running away with them.

It doesn't make sense when I type it out, but it makes sense in my mind.

I'm really tired, I haven't slept since Friday night. Like, at all.

So I can't think straight and stuff and I'm pretty sure I have a bunch of homework that's due tomorrow but I'm not gonna do it because I'm so tired

I'm just ranting again now and I can't think so I'm gonna go shower

goodnight

probably not going to sleep again tonight

I might fall asleep a few times here and there, but it definitely won't be for long because I'll wake myself up

I just can't stand the nightmares

they came back

last week I think

I don't remember exactly when

but they're bad

and vivid

they're so realistic...

I'm convinced sometimes that I'm actually awake when I'm dreaming

they're all different nightmares too

completely different

some are about Ethan

like, he'll cut too deep and die right in my arms

or he'll actually hurt me, like hit me or something, and tell me he never cared

some are about Chris

those are pretty much the same old ones I used to have.. where she'll be in my room and I'll think I'm awake and I'll try to hug her but she pushes me away and hits me or something

some are about my own death

I'll be watching myself in my room taking an entire bottle of sleeping pills or cutting too deep or throwing myself off the roof

some are about me running away, but it fails and I'm put into a mental hospital

and those kind of turn into the episode where Sam is in the mental hospital because of lucifer in his head again

but instead of Sam it's me

and lucifer is... the supernatural lucifer

it's weird. they're all weird

I just can't deal with them

okay I can't make it a habit again to come back here all the time. so goodnight.

"there's a piece of me that's missing now.."

I just cut again

Like, an hour ago, maybe. I don't know. I passed out.

My arm hurts really bad and it looks even worse than it feels

I'm not sure why I'm here

I'm just

really lonely I guess.

I've been with Syd all weekend, but I've been home for hours now and when I got here mom and Matt weren't here

they still aren't here.

I have no one to talk to because all of my "friends" won't talk to me.

I feel like I don't have friends at school anymore. None of them ever talk to me.

Sydnee is the only person that talks to me.

And she isn't even from my school.

It just sucks. I used to have people. Now I have no one.

I feel like I should just finally end it.

What am I living for?

Nothing.

Ethan left, Maddison doesn't care, Zowie isn't even a true friend, Brian isn't a true friend, Cynthia is annoying and doesn't talk to me anyway, everyone else I've ever been "friends" with at school just stopped talking to me. Like I was nothing. I mean, okay, I am nothing. But I still wish I had people to talk to.

I'm still in love with Ethan, by the way

I see him in the halls or at lunch or in math and my heart stops and my stomach drops and my eyes water because I see him, he's so close, but so far away and I know he doesn't care. I know he doesn't think about me. I know he never cared and I wish I could go back and prevent myself from ever meeting him...

I wish I could go back and change it..

but I can't, so I'm stuck here.. loving someone that grew to hate me without ever giving me the reason as to why.

I'm done talking about him though

Deep down I know I should hate him

Deep down, I know I should wish him pain.

And sometimes I do.

Sometimes I'll hope and wish that Maycee will break him just like he broke me. Sometimes I wish she'll break him even worse than he did me.

Because no matter how much I love him, I'll never forget what he did.

Why do I matter to no one?

I'm in my room all alone right now with the curtains closed and the lights turned off

no one is here

I'm alone

and I keep cutting

I can't stop, you know why?

Because I can't feel anything

I can't feel anything and I can see the blood and the cuts getting deeper but I don't feel it

and I can't stop myself

I'm really dizzy...

I'm going to Atlanta today

I'm excited

I'm paying Josh so he can get me cigarettes

I won't get them today, which is upsetting, but I'll get them possibly sometime later this week

I'm glad I have Josh, honestly.

He's my friend, he's chill, he's awesome, he's a plug for cigs and weed, too

Okay, I'm gonna go, I'm super tired.

I’m getting cigarettes from Maddison on Monday

cuz, yanno, she’s the freaking best.

I gave her money for weed, right?

so she tells me she’ll give me a G of it,

AND a pack of cigarettes.

I’m so glad I have her

I’m really sad I couldn’t hang out with her today

ugh

also

PC won’t let me write super long comments now?

wth

ugh whatever

bye✌🏻

I wonder what she’d do if I showed up at the fair next year

I wonder what she’d do if she ran into me

I wonder what she’d do if I showed up to her church or her house one day

I don’t think she’d be happy..

I’d still want to hug her

I miss her hugs so much...

the best dxmn hugs..

I can’t believe I did this

I can’t believe it

this is all my fxcking fault

what is wrong with me?

aaaaaaand I’m back again

fxcking hxll why am I like this

I’m upset because I lost the video she sent of “hey there Argetlam”

I can’t remember the words and I’m crying because I just wish I could have it back...

I wish I could have her back..

I wish I could go back...

go back in time and take it back

I-

this is going to kill me

this pain is going to be the death of me

“I had planned to give you the ring I'm still wearing. If you'd still like to keep it for sentiment, I will mail it to your address. If you don't, I'll put it somewhere safe. Perhaps with the gummy bears. If you'd like it, please respond with the address you'd like it sent to. If I get no response, I will assume you don't want it and put it away. I couldn't wear it now. It's been yours all along.”

I just-

I wish I could wear it...

I’ve never even held it before...

I just wish...

she probably doesn’t want me to have it...

😔

I don’t know who I am anymore.

She talked to me again

We were talking last night

It made me so happy

I missed talking with her so much...

Even if it wasn’t a normal conversation, I still liked it..

I wish I could FaceTime her

I wish I still had her number

I want to come see her...

I miss her hugs so much... it’d be two years now, right? Since I last hugged her? I think..

I miss her.

Who am I writing to? I’m not sure anymore. You’re fake. I made you up. “Jess” never existed, and she never will. This entire time I was talking to a character I had made, to be more like Chris. I created this girl and this account so that I, too, would have a place to cry to. A “person” to cry to. But you were fake all along. So now it’s just me talking to myself. I’m here right now because I feel so empty and hollow and all I want to do is disappear forever. I don’t want to be alive anymore. Maybe not die, but I wish I just never came into existence in the first place. I wish I was never even thought of. I’m so angry and I’m so upset and I just want to die because I have nothing to live for. Nothing.

I have no one, I have nothing. No one cares about me. No one even thinks of me. People wouldn’t remember me. No one would even notice.

Just like the Breakfast Club quote.

“I don't even count, right? I could disappear forever and it wouldn't make any difference...I may as well not even exist at this school, remember?”

I’m so lost

I have nowhere to go

Nothing to look for

Nothing to look forward to

I have nothing.

I am nothing.

I’m so tired

I just want to leave

forever...

It’s funny, isn’t it?

I always end up back here

Even if it takes days, weeks, months

I keep coming back

I AM SO SICK AND TIRED OF THIS.

I don’t think anyone understands how angry I am.

I don’t think anyone understands how sad I am.

I’m panicking again

and I can do nothing but sit here

I give up

I’m done

You hear that, Liam? I give up. And maybe I’ll see you soon. Maybe I’ll finally do it and I’ll see you again. I remember talking to you, you called me strong. It’s been so long, I can’t remember it right though.

But that person you said was strong?... I never was.

I’ve never been strong

I’ve never had the strength to fight

I give up.

And you know what?

No one will care.

WHY DO I ALWAYS END UP BACK HERE?

IN THE SAME FXCKING PLACE OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN

I CAN’T KEEP DOING THIS TO MYSELF OR IT’S GOING TO FXCKING KILL ME

I’ve looked through my gift for her so many times

I’ve looked through her gift to me so many times...

I want to die.

It burns to look at these things and remember something I’ll never have.

It hurts SO MUCH to realize I’ll never be able to see her again

If I could’ve gone to the fair none of this would’ve happened

he’s on my mind again

well, okay, he’s *always* on my mind

but I’m alone in my silent house right now and all I can do is sit here in deafening silence.. thinking about him

he shouldn’t have died.

I miss him

I miss talking to him

I have so much homework to do but I have no motivation to do it whatsoever

I don’t know what to do

I might just cut again...

and again and again and eventually maybe I’ll accidentally bleed out this time

maybe I’ll finally just die

let’s hope for the best then, huh?

oh lookie there I’m back

big surprise, I know

I just came back to say goodbye.

All’s good. 😌💙🌹

Still in love with him.

Ethan, I mean.

I miss him so much

It doesn’t really matter

He hates me

Well, maybe not entirely

He talked to me a few weeks ago, complimented me, touched my hand

Touched me on accident ^

I haven’t touched him though

I want to

God... how I miss his touch

But, like I said, it doesn’t matter

He’s dating her

He’s been dating her for months

He doesn’t care about me anymore

And maybe.. he never did.

I’m back

But only to say that I’m over Carter, he’s over me, we’re done.

Now I just have to get rid of these feelings for Mylo because I do not want to lose him too.

Hello, again

Two months go by and I don’t even think about this app. But one thing happens and it all kind of comes back.

I’m pretty sure no one looks at these anymore, so I have a few things to get off my chest.

Carter broke up with me twice last week. He broke up with me a third time on Thursday or Friday last week. I’m back with him right now.

I have major issues, I know. Carter and I have a really complicated relationship.

I hate it so much. I don’t hate him, I mostly hate myself. Why? Because after all the times we’ve broken up, I still go back to him. I don’t want a fxcking future with him. I want a future with someone I can’t have. I want someone I can’t fxcking have.

So I lie to myself and I lie to him and say I love him. He’s the one person who knows me more than Chris does. Although, that’s nothing against Chris. I can’t talk to Chris about things I’d only talk about with someone I’m dating anyway so

But that’s not the point

I’d name the person I want, but I’m not 100% sure no one looks at this anymore.

I literally couldn’t be with the person anyway. They’d have to be at least bisexual, but they’re hetero.

Carter and I are so complicated and we always talk about our future but I don’t even see a fxcking future for myself. I try to see a future and I see absolutely nothing. I have nothing in my future.

I should go.

I don’t know what I’m doing anymore, honestly.

I want to leave carter and block him from my life for good...but I just can’t. I can’t explain it. Just because I’ve started losing feelings for him doesn’t mean I can do that to him again.

I’m going now. I shouldn’t be here.

“I shouldn’t be here”

I shouldn’t be anywhere.

I can’t do it, I can’t do it, I can’t do it

I wish someone understood

I wish someone would listen

I want to delete this account

I want to delete this stupid app

I want to forget everything about this app and the people on it

everyone on this app id rather just forget

I’d go back in time and stop myself from ever getting this stupid app

this- this cursed app that ruined my life

these people that grew with me and then left me

these people who I fell in love with and got told they hoped I’d die

these- these fake people that call themselves “pc kids”

all these lies and fake people I’ve met

all these pretend souls

all the memories of this app make me sick

I’m sick to my stomach right now just remembering

all the confusion and trying to figure out if they even existed

all the choked sobs because of this app

all the self-hatred and cuts and scars because of this app

all the trust issues because of this app

all the fear. because of this. app.

I hate it

I hate these memories

take them back, piccollage

I don’t want them.

I just kind of realized that no one besides myself and my mum know exactly what happened with Carson, who he even is, and who he was.

When I knew him, when my mum knew him, no one else knew him. As in, all my friends would see me talk about him or hear me talk about him. But they never got the full story.

Maybe they never will.

Maybe no one else should know.

I’m just glad to know him and my mum are okay again. I’m happy that they made up and owned their shît. I’m so happy I get to talk to him again.

I miss his hugs with every fiber of my being.

And I miss his stupid fxcking laugh with all my heart.

His stupid beard and stupid hair that only made him more of a Star Wars-loving loser.

I miss hanging out with him.

I hate watching Ant-Man. Know why? The first-and last-movie I saw with him in theaters. When it came out he took us all to see it in Bloomington before he left to go back home to Toronto.

It makes me incredibly sad. It reminds me of our last hug and everything after.

I remember hating him at one point. I remember ignoring him, not talking to him, even being an aśs to him on the christmas he came to spend with us. I still feel bad.

I just miss him.

I wish he wasn’t so far away.

But maybe it’s for the best that he’s away.

Otherwise I’d cry 😅

I just really miss him.

I’m getting too old to be talking to a fake person I created online to trick my friends.

...definitely not a sentence I ever thought I’d say.

But, anyways, there’s my comment journal entry™️ of the day

Goodnight ✨

I’m crying, and I’m shaking really bad, and I just cut. a lot. I’m dizzy and scared and I’m about to pass out because I can’t deal with this anymore.

fxk you and this app, I’m done forever